Tag Archives: jokes
Be Whiched?
A question for a Monday:
If Elizabeth Montgomery had owned a Subway franchise, would that make it a Sam Witch Shop?
At the Pearly Gates
After three grueling math theory posts (which I’m sure you all read very carefully and are fully prepared for next week’s pop quiz), it’s Friday and time for some fun. Here is a trio of very old jokes about the afterlife. They’re so old they may have gone around the loop to being new again, at least for anyone under the age of mumble-mumble.
As I write this post it occurs to me that I don’t hear many jokes anymore. Comedians have stand-up routines, and there are funny quotes, and lots of funny videos and gags and images… Maybe I’m just out of the loop, but it seems like people don’t tell jokes that much anymore. Pity!
I’ll have to look into that. In the meantime, enjoy (and have a great weekend):
Sea Shells
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing: She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He said he hadn’t. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Descartes
The weather has been gorgeous the last couple days, so the idea of sitting at the computer hasn’t been appealing. Plus, it’s occurred to me that I’ve just ended 29 years of sitting at a computer. My original plan was to spend this first retirement month getting solidly back into blogging again, but my brain is rebelling. It would rather just putter around for a while, enjoying life.
I do try to do what the voices in my head tell me. They seem to know what they’re talking about (at least, they’re quite convincing). I have managed to post more this month than any month so far this year, so I’m off to a fine start.
But I’m not going to work at much more this month unless the muse strikes me.
Old Dogs Know Tricks
There is such a thing as a shaggy dog story. It’s a story that winds on for as long as the teller can spin it. Eventually, as the audience gets ever more restless, the “joke” ends with the most banal and trivial of non-punchlines. The longer the telling, the more pointless must be the punchline.
Old dogs notoriously can’t be taught new tricks, but perhaps that’s because they’ve learned the tricks they care to learn and aren’t interested in jumping through new hoops.
This little tale is not a shaggy dog story, but about wise old dogs…
Joke: Dead Duck
While I’ve always — and I do mean always — been a “class clown,” I’ve never been much of a joke teller. Mostly because I have trouble remembering them. I don’t mean the punch line. If I can remember the joke, I can remember the punchline. It’s generally the entire joke I can’t remember!
Which is somewhat odd considering all the joke books I read in my younger days and all the comedians I’ve enjoyed in my older days (RIP George; you were the greatest of them all).
The mind being the associative wonder that it is, sometimes some part of a conversation triggers an association, and that surfaces a joke from my mental archives (think Damian Lewis’ memory library from Dreamcatcher).
And sometimes when a new joke I’ve really liked is fresh in my mind, I go around telling it to everyone.
Which takes some doing, liking a joke that much. As I said, I’ve been reading joke books and following comedians a very long time, so it takes something a bit special to impress me. Most new jokes are just variations of old jokes.
But I heard one recently that cracked me up… and managed to be a truly new joke. Maybe it’ll have the same effect on you. Plus, it’s Friday and time to start goofing off.
So without further ado, I give you…
Sideband #41: CS Jokes
I close the first round of CS101 articles with some of my very favorite CS jokes. Sure, they’re esoteric, but they’re also really funny. Thing is, you may have to trust me on that.
Binary
I have a sign in my cube:
There are 10 types of people…
Those who can count in binary,
and those who can’t!
It garners two reactions. Some people just walk away puzzled. Some people look puzzled for just a moment and then they crack up.
Sideband #17: Ready when you are, Mr. DeMille
You may have heard the punchline, “Ready when you are, Mr. DeMille!” Sometimes it’s abbreviated to, simply, “Ready when you are!“
It’s dubious that it ever happened, and it’s not a parable — there’s no moral behind it. But it is a pretty good joke! In fact, it’s one of my favorites, and I’ve used the punchline many times.
For your dancing and dining pleasure, here it is:
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