Tag Archives: humor

The Truth About Gourdians

Here’s a blast from the past, a re-post (of a re-post) of a post I wrote many years ago on another platform. (Long, long ago on a blog far, far away.) Creative writing isn’t really my thing, but I don’t hate how this turned out. I originally posted it here in 2011, and re-cycled it in 2012, 2013, and 2014. I meant to do it every year but forgot. Since it’s been a while, I thought I’d give it another go.

The original writing exercise was to write a short piece from the point of view of a pumpkin. The exercise was given to us just before Halloween. (Same guy who gave us an exercise to write a piece from the point of view of our car.)

Most writers took the tack that pumpkins suffered horribly at this time of year. Naturally, I took a different tack, and so I give you…

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Be Alert!


Jay and Silent Bob

Last night I watched — for the second time this week — Jay and Silent Bob Reboot (2019), which is the latest episode of a saga polymath auteur Kevin Smith has been telling since 1994 with his first film, Clerks. The arc of that tale contains one of my very favorite movies, Dogma (1999), wherein we learn that God looks exactly like Alanis Morissette.

If you’ve never heard of Jay and (his “hetero life-mate”) Silent Bob, you’ve missed a minor cultural phenomenon. Clerks is a cinematic landmark on par with Reservoir Dogs, and is preserved in the Library of Congress as “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant.” In my book, it’s all three.

I’ve been waiting well over a decade to see these guys again!

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Cone of Social Distance

Does anyone know where I can buy a Cone of Silence?

I thought it might be a good way to safely have a friend over. (Amazon apparently doesn’t carry them.)


99 Cans

Put this under someone’s tree…

“You take one out and drink it down,… 98 cans of beer in the case…”


The Transistor (1953)

I think this may be the most (unintentionally) hysterical thing I’ve seen in a good long time (oh, the world of the future):

I mean seriously side-splitting, tears streaming down the face, really truly, delightfully, must-see funny. (I love the wrist device! Dick Tracy has come true in that regard. And just imagine: portable televisions!)

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Sun Dragon News!

Good news, everyone! The star dragon that’s been munching on our local star has finally gotten tired of chasing its food across the sky and will be moving on at last.

(We’re apparently in a migration path, because we seem to get one nearly every year. Every year I can remember, anyway. Good thing they only feed during the day, so the sun as a little time to recover.)

I’m glad it finally left; I was a little worried it might see Parker as a tasty hors d’oeuvre. Or a toothpick. You never can tell with dragons.

And now our star can start to heal and grow back to its lovely warm summer fullness. (Only problem with that is, it attracts hungry star dragons!)


Live From…

I am not a fan of the trend of sports or news casters set up in a public place with a background of passersby. I think they’re noisy, distracting, and gimmicky. They also tend to bring out ape-like behavior on those in the background. Both CNN and MSNBC have done this for major campaign events, in particular the debates.

Onlookers have used the ability to “get on TV” to display various signs advertising their political or social views. During the third debate, at UNLV, I got a kick out of a sign someone had made about “Daef people”…

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The Plan

1In the beginning was the plan. 2And then came the assumptions. 3And the assumptions were without form. 4And the plan was completely without substance. 5And darkness was upon the face of the workers.

6And they spake amongst themselves, saying “It is a crock of shit and it stinketh!” 7And the workers went to the planners and sayeth “It is a pile of dung and none may abide the odor thereof!” 8And the planners went to the supervisors and sayeth unto them “It is a container of excrement and it is very strong such that none may abide by it!” 9And the supervisors went to the managers saying “It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength!” 10And the managers went to the directors and sayeth “It promoteth growth and it is very powerful!” 11And the Vice-President went to the President and sayeth unto him “This powerful new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of the department!”

12And the President looked upon the plan and saw that it was good.

13And the plan became policy.

Here endeth the lesson!


Trump Fires Self!

fired

I’ll Make Mars Great Again!

In a surprise move today, GOP front-runner The Donald Trump announced his resignation from the presidential race claiming it was all “just a tremendous joke — amazing! I never thought anyone would believe it for a second,… but I pulled it off perfectly, of course.”

Mr. Trump said he would devote his time now to building a Great Wall of Mars, which he said would be “way better than China’s so-called Great Wall; it’ll be tremendous, and it will look amazing!” He claims the Martians will pay for the wall, and that it will make space “great again.”

Two former Republican candidates for the highest office, Marco Rubio and Jeb Bush, told reporters they wished Mr. Trump every success and offered their assistance in hastening his departure for the red planet. Both Floridians said they’d be glad to personally strap him to any of NASA’s larger boosters.

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