The Truth About Gourdians

Here’s a blast from the past, a re-post (of a re-post) of a post I wrote many years ago on another platform. (Long, long ago on a blog far, far away.) Creative writing isn’t really my thing, but I don’t hate how this turned out. I originally posted it here in 2011, and re-cycled it in 2012, 2013, and 2014. I meant to do it every year but forgot. Since it’s been a while, I thought I’d give it another go.

The original writing exercise was to write a short piece from the point of view of a pumpkin. The exercise was given to us just before Halloween. (Same guy who gave us an exercise to write a piece from the point of view of our car.)

Most writers took the tack that pumpkins suffered horribly at this time of year. Naturally, I took a different tack, and so I give you…

The Truth About Gourdians

Gourdians are an earthy and generally shameless lot.

I’ve been absorbing (Gourdians don’t read, we absorb), with great interest, this recent bipedal hand wringing over the perceived violent and disgusting end that befalls some Gourdians. “Woe the lot of the poor Pumpkin Person,” they wail, “How awful to suffer the carving knife!”

Well, I want to set the record straight; you couldn’t be more wrong. Here’s the deal.

The highest honor that can befall a Gourdian is to enter the proud ranks of The Jack. Few are chosen, but they are the finest of our race. The most unfortunate of Gourdians have only the ignoble future of rotting in cold, open fields: forgotten, ignored, made as mere mulch.

Those of us with more mathematical bent can enter the Brotherhood of Pi; and these are many, some canned, some fresh.

Consumption by bipeds is a glorious end; certainly preferable to consumption by quads (consumption by hexes, or worse, is almost as bad as rotting). Certain of our citizens belong to other consumption sects: the Breads, the Cakes or the Cookies.

Truly, any fodder status at least fulfills some useful station in life.

Brother Pi

But to become a Jack is the ultimate goal of any Gourdian.

Those few who make the grade and are selected go on to become the revered of our nation. Each selected by a biped who stooped down to claim one of us for their own. Each transformed into a unique magic creature to guard the bipedal demesnes. It is the highest calling of any Gourdian.

Gourdians Gather!

I’d also like to say a few words about, so called, Pumpkin Porn.

Here, too, the bipedal view may miss the mark when it comes to Gourdians. Remember that we’re born under open skies and live our lives naked under those same skies. For us, when you’re talking about the birds and bees, this is literally the case.

And if there’s one thing you can say about Gourdians, we’re an earthy species. We have no real concept of personal space or privacy; there’s just too many of us sucking on one vine (if you catch my drift).

So remember, for good luck, Carve a Jack! And kiss a Gourdian!


Come give me a little kiss, sweetie!


Stay tricking and treating, my friends! Go forth and spread beauty and light.

About Wyrd Smythe

The canonical fool on the hill watching the sunset and the rotation of the planet and thinking what he imagines are large thoughts. View all posts by Wyrd Smythe

10 responses to “The Truth About Gourdians

  • Wyrd Smythe

    The 2011 version is closest to the original version I posted on Newsvine way back when. This is a slightly tweaked version of the 2012 version, which was itself tweaked from the original.

    The 2013 version is a literal re-post of the 2012 version using WordPress re-post feature. The 2014 version is just a reference post with links to the previous three versions. (I was feeling lazy that year.)

  • Wyrd Smythe

    Five more regular posts and the Main Index hits 1,000 posts!

    Combined with the 74 Sideband posts and 79 Brain Bubble posts, plus 33 Special Relativity posts, the grand total stands at 1,181 posts.

    Not a huge number, I guess, but in terms of timespan, it’s about one post every 3.19 days. Subtracting the year I didn’t post at all drops it to every 2.88 days. I guess I’ve been more active than it somehow seems to me.

  • SelfAwarePatterns

    Hmmm. Perhaps we should conduct a survey of a larger sample of Gourdians to ensure this opinion is representative. We’d hate to take as record the opinion of someone in the pocket of big Halloween.

    Technically pumpkins are fruit, so their purpose in life should be to be eaten so their seeds are spread. Being carved into interesting shapes seems like lagniappe.

    • Wyrd Smythe

      It’s style! They’re actually quite domesticated, and in fact rather decadent despite their claim to earthiness, so style is all they have. Being force-grown in huge fields has made them forget their seedy origins.

      As to representation, well, no doubt there are factions, but I got this info right off the vine during my days in the field. You’re right, though, big Halloween is no joke. When it comes to pumpkins, big Thanksgiving is also involved, so it’s a powerful axis.

  • SelfAwarePatterns

    It may be powerful, but big Christmas has largely succeeded in a (not-so-hostile) takeover of Thanksgiving, and now has it’s sights set on Halloween.

    Resistance if futile.

    • Wyrd Smythe

      Assimilation is inevitable.

      I’m afraid I have to count this as a pre-Halloween Christmas sighting. Earlier every year. No doubt big Christmas has its sights on July 4th. (“The Founding Fathers celebrated Christmas, and so should we now…”) I imagine their ultimate goal is Valentine’s Day. They want it all!

      Eventually it’ll be some dystopic Christmasworld. You will be joyful and make merry… or else!

  • Wyrd Smythe

    For The Record: I’ve never liked, and never drink, pumpkin ales.

  • diotimasladder

    Any honors for becoming giants? You know, the sort that require a crane to lift?

    • Wyrd Smythe

      Ha! 🙂 I haven’t seen any Gourdian polling data, but I’d guess opinions could be divided between those impressed and those appalled. Kind of how we view someone who gets to 1000 pounds. Or, maybe being earthy Gourdians, they’re all just like, yeah, whatever, whoo hoo! 😉

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