At the Pearly Gates

telling jokesAfter three grueling math theory posts (which I’m sure you all read very carefully and are fully prepared for next week’s pop quiz), it’s Friday and time for some fun. Here is a trio of very old jokes about the afterlife. They’re so old they may have gone around the loop to being new again, at least for anyone under the age of mumble-mumble.

As I write this post it occurs to me that I don’t hear many jokes anymore. Comedians have stand-up routines, and there are funny quotes, and lots of funny videos and gags and images… Maybe I’m just out of the loop, but it seems like people don’t tell jokes that much anymore.  Pity!

I’ll have to look into that. In the meantime, enjoy (and have a great weekend):

laughing-1A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He’s really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself “I know I led a wild life but I wasn’t that bad. I never thought it would come to this.” Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What’s the problem, you look depressed?

Guy: Well, what do you think? I’m in hell.

Counselor: Hell’s not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You’ll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

laughing-3Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart’s desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That’s drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don’t have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night — black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Guy: Well, no I’m not.

Counselor: Oh [grimaces], you’re gonna hate Fridays…

laughing-2An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer. You’re in the wrong place.” So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What?! You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are You going to get a lawyer?”

laughing-4On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven’s Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake.

While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months… and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we stuck together forever?”

St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”

“Great,” said the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

laughing-5St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard on to the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“COME ON!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?”


About Wyrd Smythe

The canonical fool on the hill watching the sunset and the rotation of the planet and thinking what he imagines are large thoughts. View all posts by Wyrd Smythe

10 responses to “At the Pearly Gates

    • Wyrd Smythe

      What’s really funny is that it took me almost two hours to post… About ten minutes to copy and paste the jokes and the rest looking for decent pictures of either: (a) the pearly gates or (b) people telling jokes. I finally gave up and just went with laughing animals.

  • dianasschwenk

    Haha! Thanks for the chuckles Smitty!
    Diana xo

  • Lady from Manila

    Lol! Love love all the jokes.

    To think that I got As in my Law subjects in college and had considered becoming a lawyer then. Really. 🙂

    I will have to agree on St. Peter’s priest issue. I live in a Catholic country and it’s difficult for me to listen to priests administering sermons knowing the majority of them enjoy lavish lifestyles and indulge in sexual activities.

    There’s gonna be a quiz this coming week?! Ouch, I better start cramming. 🙂

    • Wyrd Smythe

      I don’t actually harbor any ill-will towards lawyers (and I love court room drama — ever since Perry Mason). They actually do perform an important and necessary job. Laws are never quite enough, plus society is constantly changing and coming up with new twists. Adjudication is required to keep up and to deal with exceptional situations.

      At least, that’s the theory of law and lawyers and judges. The problem with any human activity is,… well, it involves humans. That tends to screw up a perfectly good theory. 😮

      Which, of course, brings us to priests. The hypocrisy is often jaw-dropping and all the worse when organizations “protect their own.” But there are true men and women of god who do walk their talk. My dad (the Lutheran pastor) was one such. So was my mom, for that matter. The bad apples shouldn’t be the standard by which we judge apples!

      Yes, there will be a quiz… that’s my claim, and I’m sticking to it. So you’d better study! 😛

  • reocochran

    I am especially loving the one in the middle! I do agree that the engineers and technological wonders, scientists and other who have improved our lives, need to go to Heaven. I am not so sure that Public Defenders and others who were in law, not typical of greedy ones, need to all go to Hell. But that is funny, anyway! I am hoping that the couple realize that if the marriage is good, it will feel like Heaven, if it is not so good, as we both know this from experience, it will feel like Hell!
    I love jokes, but am not so great at telling or writing my own. Love the recycled jokes idea, none of them were ‘repeats’ for me, though! Smiles, Robin

    • Wyrd Smythe

      Oh, I agree both with the engineers and the lawyers. (See my reply to Lady with regard to lawyers.)

      I’ve loved jokes since I was a kid. I used to read all those 1001 Jokes books from the library. And comedians are some of my favorite people (RIP George Carlin).

      Comedy and science fiction are both ways of looking at ourselves and our society from a different point of view. They’re both fictional, and yet both speak to real Truths. And humor is a great medicine. I’ve long said that laughter is the most important thing in life.

      Comedy science fiction is double the fun! That’s why Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books are my favorite of favorites! 😀

  • Hariod Brawn

    I told my friend the barn owl that I’d just got engaged to be married.

    He said ‘You twit to who?’

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