After three grueling math theory posts (which I’m sure you all read very carefully and are fully prepared for next week’s pop quiz), it’s Friday and time for some fun. Here is a trio of very old jokes about the afterlife. They’re so old they may have gone around the loop to being new again, at least for anyone under the age of mumble-mumble.
As I write this post it occurs to me that I don’t hear many jokes anymore. Comedians have stand-up routines, and there are funny quotes, and lots of funny videos and gags and images… Maybe I’m just out of the loop, but it seems like people don’t tell jokes that much anymore. Pity!
I’ll have to look into that. In the meantime, enjoy (and have a great weekend):
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He’s really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself “I know I led a wild life but I wasn’t that bad. I never thought it would come to this.” Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
Counselor: What’s the problem, you look depressed?
Guy: Well, what do you think? I’m in hell.
Counselor: Hell’s not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You’ll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart’s desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?
Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.
Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That’s drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don’t have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.
Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night — black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?
Guy: Well, no I’m not.
Counselor: Oh [grimaces], you’re gonna hate Fridays…
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer. You’re in the wrong place.” So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What?! You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are You going to get a lawyer?”
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven’s Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake.
While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months… and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we stuck together forever?”
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”
“Great,” said the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard on to the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“COME ON!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?”