Tag Archives: humor
You know the story about that nice family of bears whose home is invaded, robbed and vandalized by some pre-teen female hoodlum? I have a vague feeling of how that poor Ursine family must have felt when they discovered their food missing.
Indeed, we all must identify with the bears these days. There is a huge Goldilocks in our midst, and she’s been nibbling away at everything! We’ve all seen the candy bars get smaller while the price gets higher. And that space-reducing dome at the bottom of most plastic containers gets bigger and bigger. Consumers purchase ever-increasing amounts of air these days.
This is brought home to me full force every time I open a container of raisins.
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16 Comments | tags: ginger cookies, Goldilocks, humor, product packaging, raisins | posted in Life, Rant
Yes, it’s that time of year again. I don’t mean Christmas or New Year’s. I don’t even mean Winter Solstice (the actual, true & proper, physics-based holiday of the season). I don’t even mean Chillaxmas. I mean that the friggin’ Ants have once again invaded my demesne.
They have come every winter, except for the very mild one last year. I believe they come seeking water. Even Ants cannot live for more than a few days without water. My theory is: fuel prices being what they are these days, the poor Ants cannot afford to keep their tiny furnaces running. This leaves them unable to melt ice or snow, and so they come seeking liquid water.
This, then, is a tale of species war! One man’s fight against thousands of alien invaders!
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26 Comments | tags: ant poison, ants, Formicidae, Hexapoda, humor, Hymenoptera, Them! | posted in Life, Rant
Yesterday I tendered a generic, obligation-free, all-inclusive, organically raised, specially filtered, gluten-free, pesticide-free, steroid-free, high-fiber (but high fructose corn syrup-free) Winter Solstice greeting to one and all.
And then I went and either ruined, counter-pointed, offset or highlighted that greeting by playing you out with a Stevie Nicks version of a venerable Christmas Carol (wearing the fake beard, nose and lens-free plastic glasses of a “Solstice Hymn”… I’m guessing you weren’t fooled).
Clearly this “Christmas meme” has not only gone viral but appears likely to be with us for a while. Therefore, straddling the gap between High Holy Holidays and a world-embracing non-centrist view, I offer you this version of The Twelve Days of Christmas (not to be confused with the actual 12 days of Christmas):
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9 Comments | tags: 12 Days of Christmas, Christmas, humor, politically correct, Shrek, Straight No Chaser | posted in From My Collection, Music
December is a dark month. It has the shortest day of the year (thankfully behind us now), and it comes at the end of a string of months — six of them — where the days have been getting shorter and shorter. By now, many of us drive to work in the dark and drive home in the dark. And for some there is snow and ice as well.
Sounds like a good time to throw a huge, everybody’s-involved, party! (So add all the present purchasing and party preparation to the mix with the cold and the dark.)
Hopefully at this point the work is behind you and it’s all fun for the next two days. As we wait for the party to start, here’s another politically corrected version of an old favorite. In this case, that poem about the night before…
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3 Comments | tags: Ay Ay Ay It's Christmas, Christmas, humor, Night Before Christmas, politically correct, Santa, Santa Claus | posted in From My Collection
As I write this, the 2012 Winter Solstice (and, perhaps, the long-anticipated End of the World) is about nine hours away. At 11:12 “Zulu” time (UTC) tomorrow (12/21; nice palindromic date), the sun passes a certain key spot in its orbit.
After that, due to the Earth’s axial tilt, the days then start getting longer! (At least for those of us in the northern hemisphere. For those in the southern hemi, tomorrow is the sorrowful day when the light begins to fade.) I’ve always liked the view that those sky dragons that have been munching on our sun have had their fill and have moved off to slumber off their repast for six months.
In any event, the days will start getting longer, and that’s cause for celebration. In commemoration of this auspicious day, I offer you this Solstice Greeting…
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16 Comments | tags: December, end of the world, greeting, holiday, humor, Solstice, winter, Winter Solstice | posted in Basics, From My Collection, Life
So now we’ve established that Santa Claus is a magical being possessed of unknown gender, amazing abilities and a stable of cryptofauna. We can be thankful such a powerful being is not just friendly, but apparently an annual giver of gifts (at least to those who have been “nice” per this being’s magical “list”).
Certainly, a large portion of the Earth’s children — held in thrall to this unknowable annual alien — have sought his favor by sending him petitions through the mail. (The word is that His Jolliness has agents planted in postal services throughout the world to intercept these missives.)
Even the famous plastic couple, Barbie and Ken, have felt the pull of this fur-trimmed creature lurking at the top of the world…
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19 Comments | tags: Barbie, Christmas, Dear Santa, humor, Ken, parody, Santa, Santa Claus | posted in From My Collection
Having previously established that Santa has to be magical (because the laws of physics prohibit a real Santa accomplishing successful toy delivery), we can turn to the question of Santa’s gender. One might question this on the grounds of Santa’s apparent historic maleness, but in counter I offer George Sand, Mulan and any number of Shakespeare plays.
One might also question this on the grounds of gender perhaps not applying to magical creatures, to which I reply that Hobbits, Elves and Dwarves seem pretty clear on the matter (although one can never really tell with Dwarves—all that hair and battle armor are quite concealing, and it’s poor form to actually ask).
In any event, like all “news” programs these days, I give you now, two opposing views on the matter of Santa’s gender. You decide.
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253 Comments | tags: Christmas, humor, men, Mr Santa, Mrs Santa, Ms Santa, Santa, Santa Claus, Santa female, Santa gender, Santa male, women | posted in From My Collection
The next few posts are from a collection of Funny Emails I’ve gathered over many years. They come from a time before email was common—a time long before social media. Back then we didn’t have the vast onslaught of material as there is now. The online world was much smaller, slower. And because the Era of the Image hadn’t arrived, the funny emails were usually just text.
A “pack rat” by nature, I saved those that really tickled my fancy. That was possible (and sensible) then; these days there’s too much to save, and one can count (more or less) on it remaining in place “out there” if you need it again. (That in itself is an amazing thing: we live in an era of an online, free, permanent information resource.)
I’m starting off with one of my very favorites: an examination of the implications of assuming Santa is real…
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10 Comments | tags: Bruce Springsteen, Christmas, humor, Reindeer, Santa, Santa Claus, Santa science, sleigh, xkcd | posted in From My Collection
Today you get a re-post of a post from last year at this time. And it was a re-post then, as well. It’s piece I wrote several years ago for a writing exercise in another venue. I thought it turned out pretty well, and I still like it after so many years, so I thought it was worth sharing again.
The original writing exercise (and it was just an exercise; there were no winners or judges) was to write a short piece from the point of view of a pumpkin. The exercise was given to us around this time—fall—just before Halloween. (It was the same guy who gave us an exercise to write a piece from the point of view of our car!)
Most writers took the tack that pumpkins suffered horribly at this time of year. Naturally, I took a different tack, and so I give you…
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9 Comments | tags: dirt, Gourdian, gourds, humor, Jack-O-Lantern, kiss a Gourdian, orange, pumpkins, vines | posted in Writing
It’s shaping up to be a killer week. I thought my first task in the new job would involve designing a system, but it turns out much of the business process analysis hasn’t been done yet. Given a target date of December, I have my work cut out for me.
This is likely to be a light week blog-wise (and I hate to think it could actually get worse in the weeks ahead) If I post much at all, it’s likely to be fairly light, possibly pulled from my past writing or maybe even some golden oldies from the days of the USENET era.
With that in mind, here’s a set of computer haiku error messages that made the rounds back in the day. Enjoy!
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13 Comments | tags: error message, funny poetry, haiku, haiku error messages, humor, poetry | posted in Computers
Logos con carne 