Having previously established that Santa has to be magical (because the laws of physics prohibit a real Santa accomplishing successful toy delivery), we can turn to the question of Santa’s gender. One might question this on the grounds of Santa’s apparent historic maleness, but in counter I offer George Sand, Mulan and any number of Shakespeare plays.
One might also question this on the grounds of gender perhaps not applying to magical creatures, to which I reply that Hobbits, Elves and Dwarves seem pretty clear on the matter (although one can never really tell with Dwarves—all that hair and battle armor are quite concealing, and it’s poor form to actually ask).
In any event, like all “news” programs these days, I give you now, two opposing views on the matter of Santa’s gender. You decide.
Santa is a man!
It is precisely because Christmas is an “organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal” that Santa has to be a man. Delegation… that’s the key. Just imagine if a woman was trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were going to celebrate it on.
It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task would overwhelm most females. We’d have to plan football schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or worse yet… there might not be any football at all. [shudder] That’s a scary thought.
If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It would take a she Santa until New Year’s Eve to get dressed (for the third time) and out of the bathroom. And just try harnessing those reindeer with freshly painted nails. Never happen. Once she got underway, she’d be too busy talking on the cell phone to her girl friends to get all the way around the world to every girl and boy’s house in a single year, let alone a single night.
If Santa was female, the whole idea of gift giving would be unrecognizable. Everybody would get socks, or ties, or aftershave, or fuzzy slippers every year. There would be none of the noise-making, shoot ’em up, battery-operated windfalls that kids love. Bicycles would all come complete with helmets and knee pads. And training wheels so nobody could get hurt. Toy soldiers would be replaced by books on improving one’s self-esteem. Christmas just wouldn’t be the same.
I’ll tell you another reason why Santa has to be a man (and a football fan). Look at the names of his reindeer: Dasher, Comet, Blitzen… If those aren’t male names for football players, then I’m an elf!
Santa is a Woman!
I think Santa Claus is a woman… I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:
- Men can’t pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don’t answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
- Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous; definite guy.
- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
As with the previous attempt to bind Santa to mere physics, I think the attempt to bind Santa to mere gender is doomed to fail. Santa is more likely quantum and therefore both (and neither) man and woman!
And more importantly… isn’t there a little Santa in all of us? Well, there should be. Embrace your inner Santa and be a Santa! We’re not turning Japanese; we’re turning Santa Claus!
Logos con carne 
December 18th, 2012 at 6:02 pm
Very funny and enjoyable post to read. Thanks!
December 18th, 2012 at 7:07 pm
I’m glad you liked it! I’m always a little leery of humor based on stereotypes. For me it needs to not be mean, and it needs to ring true. “Ha, ha, aren’t we humans funny!” I like that. Divisive and mean isn’t funny to me. And I like ones like this that tweak both sides. A bit of fairness!
December 18th, 2012 at 8:01 pm
I like equal opportunity mocking!
December 18th, 2012 at 8:16 pm
You should enjoy the next posting, then!
December 19th, 2012 at 6:27 am
This is fabulous … I will be sharing these two posts with my readers. 🙂
December 19th, 2012 at 10:47 am
There’s more from my archives coming!
December 19th, 2012 at 3:12 pm
Looking forward to them. Come on over … you will enjoy today’s satire bits.
December 20th, 2012 at 2:16 pm
Cool! I’ll try to drop by after work and posting today’s (very important!) article.
December 19th, 2012 at 7:00 am
Very funny, and very clever! 🙂
December 19th, 2012 at 10:47 am
(On behalf of the original author, whoever that was,) Thank you!!
December 20th, 2012 at 9:56 pm
[…] that WordPress is giving me a Winter Solstice present. I got an email yesterday telling me that my Santa: Man or Woman? post had been, yes, that’s right, Freshly Pressed. Having watched many of my blogmates go […]
December 24th, 2012 at 4:14 pm
Great sense of humour! I like your arguments 🙂
December 24th, 2012 at 4:24 pm
Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it. Nice to use the power of debate for something important, for once, don’t you think? All this debate over presidents and politics… Bah, humbug! Santa is where that stuff gets real!
December 24th, 2012 at 4:43 pm
Reblogged this on the social discussion.
December 24th, 2012 at 4:54 pm
Thank you, I’m honored! Merry Christmas!!
December 24th, 2012 at 4:57 pm
[…] And LogosConCarne also posted an interesting rebuttal on the proposition that Santa is a Woman […]
December 24th, 2012 at 5:36 pm
Congratulations on Freshly Pressed. I always enjoy seeing posts before they reach the honor.
December 24th, 2012 at 5:40 pm
Thanks! Yep, you got in on the ground floor!
December 24th, 2012 at 5:41 pm
Look beside you on the FP page.
December 24th, 2012 at 5:43 pm
😆 !! That’s hysterical; how did you pull that off?!
December 24th, 2012 at 5:45 pm
I have no clue … I’m approaching 1100 posts of informative writing, and this one gets it!
December 24th, 2012 at 5:48 pm
Is this is the first time you’ve been FP? That’s a lot of posts!
December 24th, 2012 at 5:52 pm
Yep. … Until a short time ago, I was the self-declared occupier of the throne for a self-declared nation.
December 24th, 2012 at 8:36 pm
I’ve seen bloggers who just started getting Freshly Pressed, so it’s not based on time in the saddle. Seems to be more a matter of getting noticed and striking someone’s fancy. You’ve been around a lot longer than I have; I’m thinking I might just break 200 before the end of the year.
December 25th, 2012 at 7:01 am
Who knows how and why … but it is good to be noticed.
December 25th, 2012 at 1:43 pm
It sure is a lot of fun meeting all these new people!
December 24th, 2012 at 8:28 pm
I think Santa is whatever you want it to be! Thanks for sharing.
December 24th, 2012 at 8:37 pm
Thanks for dropping by and commenting! I totally agree, obviously! 😀
December 24th, 2012 at 8:38 pm
Have a great Holiday! http://www.segmation.com
December 24th, 2012 at 8:50 pm
nice one.
December 24th, 2012 at 9:04 pm
Thanks!
December 24th, 2012 at 8:57 pm
This was great. And know that Santa IS, indeed, a woman … for reasons that I’ll leave unwritten for fear children read this post. Merry Christmas!
December 24th, 2012 at 9:04 pm
Thank you. We can wait until all the kiddies are in bed before we start telling tales… but please do tell tales! 😀
December 24th, 2012 at 11:18 pm
Hahahah, I absolutely love this. When I was younger I played a Christmas game in which Death was depicted as a woman, and far kinder than the way Death is portrayed.
Merry Christmas!
December 24th, 2012 at 11:53 pm
A Christmas game that includes Death? Interesting game; tell me more!
Merry Christmas to you and yours, as well!!
December 28th, 2012 at 11:59 am
You know, I don’t actually remember much about the game, even the name! But I absolutely loved it. Strange.. Hahaha.
December 28th, 2012 at 12:02 pm
Childhood memories can be like that. It’s funny the bits and pieces I do remember (generally speaking I have poor memory for my past—makes it enjoyable re-reading books, though).
January 3rd, 2013 at 1:19 am
You know, I do as well. And sometimes it sucks, because you want so badly to recall something you can only remember half the awesome of. Then, there’s times when you don’t want to remember bits, and it’s good. Because you don’t.
January 3rd, 2013 at 10:36 am
On balance, I guess I’m good with it. I do enjoy re-reading books and re-watching movies (it justifies having bought them in the first place!). And I remember as I go along, but I rarely remember what comes next. Even “who done it” stories… often I just can’t remember. Got a head full of too much other stuff, I guess!
January 4th, 2013 at 3:22 am
That’s fortunate! I never forget a movie or an ending to a good book, especially a decent mystery.
How I wish I could forget, just to rediscover. I vaguely remember enough only to ruin the suspenseful moments. It’s quite sad.
January 4th, 2013 at 8:53 am
I don’t know what it is… my mind just doesn’t seem to find that stuff worth storing, I guess. As I said, I kind of remember it as I go along (there are a lot of, “Oh, yeah, I remember this!” moments), but can’t remember what happens next. On the flip side, I have a buddy who can sometimes quote bits from books he read once years ago.
January 5th, 2013 at 4:15 am
Ah, I’m very much like that, in the sense I can quote not just novels, but movies too!
Haha, all the same, it does sound like an enjoyable experience. But I guess like all things, it has its pros and cons.
January 5th, 2013 at 11:09 am
Indeed. I suspect most of the interesting things in life are that way. There are certainly many double-edged swords modern life. The interweb being a very good “Exhibit A.” There is so much here that is wonderful (and as a “knowledge worker” — the new buzz term — I use the resources heavily in my work). And there is so much here that is meaningless fluff, and there is even evil here (hate sites, child porn, etc.). They say WWW means “World Wide Web” but I can’t help but think it really means “Wild, Wild West.”
In any event, I was re-watching Jodie Foster’s The Brave One last night, and this conversation popped into my mind, because, while I could remember the basics, I couldn’t remember any of the details, and I totally didn’t remember the ending.
(Just so you don’t think my mind is total mush, I’m fluent in dozens of programming languages and technologies. It may actually be why I don’t remember the stories… no room in the attic!)
January 7th, 2013 at 11:40 pm
Haha, perhaps that may be why. Although one may remember something so vividly at a young age, we are later confronted with newer (and because it’s new), more important information. There is no room for trivial knowledge such as what happened at the end of every Nero Wolfe I have read.
And in turn, perhaps I have not encountered information that seems important enough. Or just that I have lots more space left to consume.
That’s an interesting thought. I guess it also depends on how one values their knowledge.
I do however love the “Wild, Wild West” example you have!
January 8th, 2013 at 9:55 am
Yes, all very good points, I think!
My theory is that, when you’re younger, there is a lot more room in the “attic,” and significant events especially can become well-embedded. Many people have lifelong very vivid childhood memories. (Not me. Most of my childhood is shrouded in mist, and much of it seems completely gone.) We also don’t have a sense of what’s truly important then, so we can sometimes fix on childhood memories we carry lifelong, but which don’t mean all that much.
In the first Sherlock Holmes novel, when Watson and Holmes meet and shack up together, Holmes explains his “attic” theory to Watson. Holmes’ idea that space is limited causes him to be highly selective about knowledge. Thus he can identify dozens of types of cigar ash on sight, but can’t name the planets of the solar system. The former is useful knowledge; the latter is not.
That bit in the novel has informed my life since I read it back in high school. I have a feeling I don’t approach most movies, books or TV shows as knowledge worth keeping (although I do seem to extract lessons learned from the material—I often remember the point, but not the plot). On the flip side, my work is highly technical, highly demanding and knowledge gained there is hugely useful.
It has been a bit of life-luck that my hobbies and interests are so closely aligned with my career. Or perhaps it’s more that I’ve been very fortunate in finding work that is so well aligned with my interests and hobbies!
January 8th, 2013 at 7:05 pm
However, it seems to me that while I remember such trivial information, I do not remember much of my childhood either. Sadly, I cannot even say I clearly remember the past two months. Now although this is a medical condition, I seem to retain information purely of things that do not seem to hold meaningful value.
And I do like your point: it is more important to remember the moral of the story, not the story itself. Although it does depend. If you are to teach, the moral alone will not do. However in learning, it is the key point.
It’s very fortunate that your career is to your liking, I know several people who are not as lucky. A friend of mine often complains close to every time I see her that she will quit work. Yet she doesn’t. Perhaps there is a secret liking, or perhaps she really is stuck in a dead-end job!
It’s sad.
January 8th, 2013 at 7:35 pm
Oh, I’m very aware always that I’ve been incredibly lucky in terms of work!! My impression is that loving your work is much more rare than not. (And sadly, it’s no longer really true for me, which is why I’m counting down days until I can retire and GTFO.)
December 24th, 2012 at 11:26 pm
Hilarious … but I still think Santa’s an alien ;P
December 24th, 2012 at 11:53 pm
It would explain a great deal, wouldn’t it…
December 24th, 2012 at 11:46 pm
A woman, OBviously!!
December 24th, 2012 at 11:54 pm
It’s definitely one of the possibilities! 😀
December 25th, 2012 at 1:26 am
Whatever man or woman, Santa is the most kind-hearted, cos’z it brings hopes to each other.
December 25th, 2012 at 1:42 am
Certainly he, she (or it) brings many smiles to us all! It’s so sad that his, her (or its) spirit has been so lost to commercialism at Christmas, don’t you think?
December 25th, 2012 at 1:45 am
Anyway, always see the bright side, let life to be easier and happier, right?
December 25th, 2012 at 2:56 am
Always!! 😀
December 25th, 2012 at 3:37 am
Now spending Christmas in Turkey. This is where Saint Nicholas came from {when it was Greece of course, that is why he is the patron saint of Greece). However I have been unable to buy mince pies, Christmas pudding or any other xmas stuff. I got a Turkey eventually but only after confusion over me apparently offering to buy a country. Turkey in Turkey is Hindi and Hindi is not in Delhi. And then I wake up on Christmas day to find on this very day TurkTelecom had cut off my WIFI because I had not paid a bill I that came in 4 days ago and I missed it. So I went to the bank and paid it – yes the bank was open. Are we sure Santa was a local guy.
December 25th, 2012 at 4:53 am
I’ve heard that if you cook a Turkey in Greece it comes out extra juicy, although I’ve also heard it’s a dangerous technique. Perhaps the people of Greece don’t like all those turkeys being cooked there.
I wonder what they call Brazil Nuts in Brazil? Or Belgium Waffles in Belgium…
(Thanks for dropping by and commenting. Merry Christmas!)
December 31st, 2012 at 8:04 am
I love your comments to others! Great word plays!
December 31st, 2012 at 12:54 pm
Thank you! (Sometimes the comments are more fun than the posts!)
Have a wonderful New Year, R! I hope your dating adventures just get better and better!
December 25th, 2012 at 6:13 am
very funny post. You are right santa can be whatever we think.
December 25th, 2012 at 1:43 pm
Thank you!
December 25th, 2012 at 8:07 am
LOL, I think it would be nice if santa is a young lady. 🙂
December 25th, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Works for me! 😈
December 25th, 2012 at 12:00 pm
Your worst blogging fear realized – congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!
December 25th, 2012 at 1:45 pm
Hey, Hi! Good to see ya, thanks for dropping by—it’s gotten to be kind of a crowded party… just sit anywhere you can!
December 31st, 2012 at 8:05 am
I am not always aware of who is freshly pressed and glad to know a well deserved honor is yours!
December 31st, 2012 at 12:54 pm
Thank you kindly!!
December 25th, 2012 at 4:04 pm
Woenarik lebih menarik..
salam http://6menit.blogspot.com
December 25th, 2012 at 5:13 pm
Hello! I’m not sure what you said. Best Google Translate can do is, “Attract more interesting.”
But Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or Blessed Solstice or whatever works for you!
December 29th, 2012 at 1:10 am
sorry i use slang, the point I admire your posts.
December 29th, 2012 at 1:19 am
No problemo, and thank you! Happy New Year and a Convivial Chillaxmas!! 🙂
December 25th, 2012 at 4:46 pm
This made me laugh hysterically! Brilliant post!
December 25th, 2012 at 5:15 pm
Hysterical laughter is an acceptable, even desired, effect. If you experience blurred vision or dizziness, please consult your physician. 🙂
(Thanks for dropping by and commenting! Have a very Merry Christmas!!)
December 25th, 2012 at 5:20 pm
I was prepared to argue that Santa’s all woman… but that last bit caught me off guard. There’s a little Santa in all of us, and s/he defies reality. Excellent case! Your reward: Freshly Pressed. 🙂
December 25th, 2012 at 5:55 pm
Well, thank you for dropping by and commenting!
Yes, indeed! If the joy of giving a gift touches you, then you have a bit of Santa in you.
December 25th, 2012 at 6:15 pm
Santa is a man, past his prime, not interested in women and without access to Viagra. He’s not interested in men either. But he still knows a thing or two about chimneys, and Freud was very, very specific about their meaning ) All men have a bit of Santa in them, and all women love to think of at least some men as having a bit of Santa in them )
December 25th, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Hmmm… old man, past his prime, excessive interest in children, particularly their “naughty” and “nice” behaviors, gives them “free” gifts, seems oddly aware of what they’re doing…
Gadzooks! We may need to give this Santa fellow a closer look!
December 25th, 2012 at 6:49 pm
You make a compelling case that Santa is a woman. I beg to differ, however. I believe Santa is a man. He is “Father Christmas” and he functions almost solely as a figurehead. The elves do all the toy preparation. Mrs. Claus collects and organizes the list (sent in by Santa-look-a-likes from malls around the world. The reindeer (now guided my GPS) do the driving. All Santa has to do is a little heavy lifting and some sifting of magic dust to get in and out of chimneys (or keyholes). In return, he gets more cookies and milk in a night than any man should eat in a lifetime and then 364 days of vacation to get fatter than he already is.
December 25th, 2012 at 7:01 pm
As your host and moderator, I’d hoped to present a compelling case both ways! Naturally, as host and moderator, I remain largely neutral, although as I indicated I lean towards an answer that includes “yes,” “no,” and “both.” I suspect there’s something quantum involved, so you find what you seek (look for a wave, find a wave; look for a particle, find a particle).
That said, you do make a very good case for the male version of the collapsed wave state. And perhaps having so fixed Santa’s quantum state, that’s what we’ve got now. In the next universe over, Santa looks like Angela Lansbury.
You raise another important point! Whatever Santa is, lactose-intolerance would be a real issue!
December 26th, 2012 at 1:10 am
Hahaha. I think Santa might be a woman too! Your theory has convinced me
December 26th, 2012 at 1:53 am
It’s definitely worth considering!
December 26th, 2012 at 4:32 am
I vote for a man!
December 26th, 2012 at 9:46 am
Because?
December 26th, 2012 at 10:51 am
Behind every great man there’s a woman with a lawyer
December 26th, 2012 at 11:09 am
Behind which stands another woman and another lawyer (behind which stands…)!
OMG: It’s lawyers and women all the way down!
December 26th, 2012 at 6:19 am
I like it! Taking both sides to task!
There is a Mrs. Santa for a reason! 🙂
December 26th, 2012 at 9:47 am
Yep, I’m an equal opportunity task-taking kinda guy! Glad you liked it, thanks for stopping by!
December 26th, 2012 at 7:33 am
What a funny, funny post! Thanks for sharing! As a woman, I think I’m a bit bias, tending to agree that Santa, could very well be another woman… love the ‘commitment’ part regarding men… so true! 😮 I’ll be sharing it with my readers, linking to your original piece! Have a great holiday season, and happy new year, from La Paz, Bolivia! 😮
December 26th, 2012 at 9:50 am
Well,.. some of us guys can make a commitment, but I’m glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for dropping by and commenting. A very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you!!
December 26th, 2012 at 9:53 am
Thank you for letting me share it! Just reblogged it. Thought it was really funny, and at the end, it’s up to the reader to decide… if Santa is a man… or a woman! Pros & cons for both sides… I’m pretty sure I’m the Santa for our household… my great husband is great… but not very Santa-like when it comes to the holiday season! I’m always on my own… no hard feelings, got used to! 😮 Happy Holidays!
December 26th, 2012 at 9:59 am
Aw, I’m sorry to hear that! 🙂 Husbands should definitely get into the act; shopping for kids is part of the fun of Christmas!
December 26th, 2012 at 10:04 am
No, don’t get me wrong… he’s a good guy… just not the shopping/panning/gift-wrapping type… but if i gave him a list of chores, very detailed, he’ll commit and do it! 😮 Well-trained husbands are the best! 😮
December 26th, 2012 at 10:20 am
Ah, there ya go! That’s probably why I’m still single — utterly untrainable! 😆
December 26th, 2012 at 10:25 am
😮
December 26th, 2012 at 7:34 am
Reblogged this on 3rdculturechildren and commented:
A bit of healthy humor, post-Christmas!
December 26th, 2012 at 9:50 am
I hope your readers enjoy it! 😀
December 26th, 2012 at 9:54 am
I’m sure they’ll! and btw, congrats on being FP! Should’ve been the first thing I should’ve written here! 😮
December 26th, 2012 at 10:00 am
Well, thank you! I’ve had such a quiet little blog up until now! 😆
December 26th, 2012 at 3:13 pm
😮
December 26th, 2012 at 7:39 am
Congratulations for a wonderful blog.
I shared the link and an excerpt on fropper.com 🙂
December 26th, 2012 at 10:03 am
Thank you very much. I dropped by your blog, and you look like you’re on to something interesting. Good luck, and thanks for stopping by!!
December 27th, 2012 at 12:30 am
Thanks for the visit.
Its all swantah sukhai – its sanskrit meaning for my own pleasure. 🙂
December 27th, 2012 at 1:54 am
Bravo!! I think creating to fulfill your own heart is the purest and most satisfying form of art!