So now we’ve established that Santa Claus is a magical being possessed of unknown gender, amazing abilities and a stable of cryptofauna. We can be thankful such a powerful being is not just friendly, but apparently an annual giver of gifts (at least to those who have been “nice” per this being’s magical “list”).
Certainly a large portion of the Earth’s children—held in thrall to this unknowable annual alien—have sought his favor by sending him petitions through the mail. (The word is that His Jolliness has agents planted in postal services throughout the world to intercept these missives.)
Even the famous plastic couple, Barbie and Ken, have felt the pull of this fur-trimmed creature lurking at the top of the world…
To: Santa From: Barbie
Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but it’s definitely payback time!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it). So, here’s my holiday wish list for 2013, Santa.
- A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, over-sized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
- Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!
A REAL man… maybe GI Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
- Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
- Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
- A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
- A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!
- A new, more 90s persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie,” complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;
- “Animal Rights Barbie,” with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie,” sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
- No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
- Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years—I think I deserve it.
OK, Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It’s that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
To: Santa From: Ken
Dear Santa:
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of the issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie does not deserve preferential treatment—she already has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy do not have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, or in some cases, the ability to change our hair style.
I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I, too, would like a change in career. Have you ever considered “Decorator Ken,” “Beauty Salon Ken,” or “Out of work Actor Ken?” In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: “S & M Ken” or “Green Lantern Ken.” These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can “push me away,” I need bendable knees so I can kick her to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations—we’ve talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action being taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe—he’s mine, at least that’s what he said last night in bed.
Sincerely,
Ken
So what do you want Santa to bring this year?
December 19th, 2012 at 12:25 pm
I had a feeling Ken was gay… Poor guy, all these years living a lie, posing as Barbie’s perfect boyfriend…:-D
I would quite like to see a Prime Minister Barbie, or Nuclear Scientist Barbie. But of course they would still find a way to make her wear a bikini… 🙂
December 19th, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Yes, poor Ken has been working behind the scenes hoping to get gay marriage legalized so he can pursue his dreams and interests!
Heh, yes, you’re right, of course… it’d be Malibu Sexy Scientist Barbie (complete with mini-lab coat and bedazzeled microscope).
December 19th, 2012 at 12:53 pm
It’s been so so long since I’ve held a Barbie, doll. 🙂
So far I’ve read through to item 1 under Barbie but it deserves ‘Like’ no matter what follows. Reading on…
December 19th, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Likewise! 😀
And just what exactly do they mean when they say to, “Put another shrimp on the Barbie!” Sounds a bit kinky!
December 19th, 2012 at 1:07 pm
To have imagined yourself inside Barbie’s skin… tsk tsk.
She can’t even take her bra off when she’s loafing? Poor thing.
For some Barbie-bra design inspiration (as well as the new Ken), Mattel should check out the site of the Dutch designer Marlies Dekkers. She could even (at 47) be a model for a more mature Barbie. She is outrageously direct, a breath of fresh air. Dutch TV was soooo boring until she appeared in a talkshow. 🙂
For the new Ken, check out the last picture here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marlies_Dekkers
December 19th, 2012 at 1:43 pm
She looks like a real kick in the undies! 😀
December 20th, 2012 at 8:38 am
I want nothing to do with the Barbie and Ken.
December 20th, 2012 at 2:19 pm
Awwww, no, really? Their little plastic hearts will be broken (or, perhaps, you know, just a little scuffed up and melty around the edges). Hopefully Santa will deliver on their “requests” and they’ll cheer up. 😀
December 20th, 2012 at 3:10 pm
They’ll get over it … but my soft side hopes for their wishes.
December 24th, 2012 at 4:57 pm
[…] I especially enjoyed Barbie’s letter to Santa! […]
December 27th, 2012 at 5:42 am
lmfao :):):)
December 27th, 2012 at 10:48 am
funny? friendly?? fabulous??? farting???? 😛
December 27th, 2012 at 3:42 pm
oh dear..I was so busy laughing that was all I could write 🙂 ..”.lmfao”’…”laughing my fucking ass off”…sorry I have cursed now on your site, I’m sorry, I am prone to being a bit loose with colourful language…blame my welsh blood ! but seriously this is a funny post..loved it. x
December 27th, 2012 at 5:04 pm
Well, yer in fine fuckin’ company here, let me tell ya! 😀
It is a gem, isn’t it! That’s why I’ve kept it all these years (and finally put it to really good use). For all I know, these days Barbie is a lot less 50s than she was when this was written.
December 28th, 2012 at 4:52 am
Last time I saw Barbie she was dressed as a Spice Girl ! I always thought Ken was a bit too in touch with his feminine side but maybe he’s tougher now 🙂
December 28th, 2012 at 10:03 am
Yeah, I’m pretty sure their relationship is doomed.
January 21st, 2015 at 1:48 am
Oh my – can you hear me laughing WS!!!! This was hilarious – glad you linked to it so I could find it 🙂
January 22nd, 2015 at 11:53 am
I wondered what that sound was! 😀