Yesterday I tendered a generic, obligation-free, all-inclusive, organically raised, specially filtered, gluten-free, pesticide-free, steroid-free, high-fiber (but high fructose corn syrup-free) Winter Solstice greeting to one and all.
And then I went and either ruined, counter-pointed, offset or highlighted that greeting by playing you out with a Stevie Nicks version of a venerable Christmas Carol (wearing the fake beard, nose and lens-free plastic glasses of a “Solstice Hymn”… I’m guessing you weren’t fooled).
Clearly this “Christmas meme” has not only gone viral, but appears likely to be with us for a while. Therefore, straddling the gap between High Holy Holidays and a world-embracing non-centrist view, I offer you this version of The Twelve Days of Christmas (not to be confused with the actual 12 days of Christmas):
The Twelve Days of Christmas
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system. Leaping,
NINE persons (and any gender) engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration (currently limited to persons of opposing gender in most locations).
NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat.
To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,
ONE Spotted Owl activist (safely) chained to an old-growth pear tree (and in possession of the correct legal documents and writs allowing said protest).
Merry Christmas! Happy Chanukah! Good Kwanzaa! Blessed Yule!
Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!!
(unless otherwise prohibited by law)*
Here to play you out Straight No Chaser’s famous version of the famous song. It’s as skillfully done as it is delightful and hysterical.
For obvious reasons, the song is among the more heavily parodied. Here, for example, is the Shrek version: