12 Days: Politically Correct

Twelve Days of ChristmasYesterday I tendered a generic, obligation-free, all-inclusive, organically raised, specially filtered, gluten-free, pesticide-free, steroid-free, high-fiber (but high fructose corn syrup-free) Winter Solstice greeting to one and all.

And then I went and either ruined, counter-pointed, offset or highlighted that greeting by playing you out with a Stevie Nicks version of a venerable Christmas Carol (wearing the fake beard, nose and lens-free plastic glasses of a “Solstice Hymn”… I’m guessing you weren’t fooled).

Clearly this “Christmas meme” has not only gone viral, but appears likely to be with us for a while.  Therefore, straddling the gap between High Holy Holidays and a world-embracing non-centrist view, I offer you this version of The Twelve Days of Christmas (not to be confused with the actual 12 days of Christmas):

The Twelve Days of Christmas

(politically corrected)

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

DrummersTWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system. Leaping,

DancersNINE persons (and any gender) engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

Golden RingsFIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration (currently limited to persons of opposing gender in most locations).

NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat.

To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.

Spotted OwlFOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,

And…

ONE Spotted Owl activist (safely) chained to an old-growth pear tree (and in possession of the correct legal documents and writs allowing said protest).


Merry Christmas! Happy Chanukah! Good Kwanzaa! Blessed Yule!

Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!!

(unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

Here to play you out Straight No Chaser’s famous version of the famous song. It’s as skillfully done as it is delightful and hysterical.

For obvious reasons, the song is among the more heavily parodied. Here, for example, is the Shrek version:

About Wyrd Smythe

The canonical fool on the hill watching the sunset and the rotation of the planet and thinking what he imagines are large thoughts. View all posts by Wyrd Smythe

6 responses to “12 Days: Politically Correct

  • jimmydevious

    Thanks for the laughs. I can always use more laughs. I only wish I could exchange all these “sample” bottles I got of Steson and Aqua Vela from my Secret Santas for some more laughs. 😛

    And I too as well hope you have a life-affirming, socially-relevant light-cycle and KwanzaChrismakhah! 🙂

    • Wyrd Smythe

      Glad you liked it, thanks for dropping by and commenting. I suppose you could use all those bottle to try mixing up your own personal fragrance…

      May you also have a most adequate and acceptable annual commemoration (or not, as your spirit moves you). 😕

  • The Green Study

    Twelve days is about 11.75 days too long! I’m ready for some hibernation!

    • Wyrd Smythe

      If it were just 12 days, that would be doable. Problem is it sneaks a bit earlier every year. I’ve been seeing Christmas stuff before Thanksgiving the last couple years. That’s like… the 30+ days of Christmas.

      No wonder it almost completely vanishes the very next day! The irony is the actual 12 days of Christmas starts on Christmas day (and runs to Jan 5)!

      As a child, we usually did put up our tree very close to Christmas and then left it up usually until the new year. The way it all vanishes now on 12/26 seems sad to me.

  • pickledwings

    That’s killer funny! Thanks!

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