Them! Ants!

GI AntYes, it’s that time of year again. I don’t mean Christmas or New Year’s. I don’t even mean Winter Solstice (the actual, true & proper, physics-based holiday of the season). I don’t even mean Chillaxmas. I mean that the friggin’ Ants have once again invaded my demesne.

They have come every winter, except for the very mild one last year. I believe they come seeking water. Even Ants cannot live for more than a few days without water. My theory is: fuel prices being what they are these days, the poor Ants cannot afford to keep their tiny furnaces running. This leaves them unable to melt ice or snow, and so they come seeking liquid water.

This, then, is a tale of species war! One man’s fight against thousands of alien invaders!

Antz 1

This picture is a dirty lie! Ants are not cute like this!!

In years past, I mostly just suffered their presence. I routinely live with Spiders; the only real rule being, “Keep out of sight.”

When they presume to boldly foolishly cross my white walls or venture out onto the beige carpeting… well, maybe their replacement will be smarter.

Previously, the Ants had chosen to explore my bathroom. And they weren’t vast in legion, plus they tended to hug the edges, so I mostly went with the part of me that was fascinated. Kind of like having a free-range Ant Farm. (I’m not big on pets that need cages.)

Antz 2

Note the cute eyes with nice pupils and the human teeth!

But when they showed up in my living room, that was a bummer for us both. They found navigating the carpet an exhausting, life-threatening nightmare. I found their presence in my living room a nightmare calling for immediate and serious vacuum cleaner deployment (I know it’s around here somewhere).

It’s disconcerting to look down at your carpet and realize the bits of “dirt” and the tiny, tracked-in “rocks” are moving. The Spiders went after a few individuals, but the Ants had numbers on their side. The pile carpet was a challenge—you could sense their struggle—but they forged on (drawn, perhaps, to that old Kahlúa stain I’d never managed to fully clean up).

Ant micro 2

This is what an ant really looks like. Not so cute!

This was getting ugly. God’s Creatures and all, but I like to pretend I’m the apex predator around here, and this is my castle, and moving bits on the carpet just won’t do.

But it was only when they showed up on the kitchen floor that it became Def Con 1 all out war. Ants, Cockroaches or Mice in the kitchen calls for immediate and total escalation up to, and not limited to, the thermonuclear option.

Whatever it takes. The Place of Food is Sacred.

Bugs Life 1

More Ant media propaganda involving cute ants!

Desperately outnumbered, I had no choice but to resort—no to sink—to chemical warfare. (And for all I know, these days, it’s biological and genetic and maybe even a little radioactive, although radioactivity and Ants has been shown to be a non-ideal combination.)

Yes, I may have picketed you back in the day, but DOW Chemical … you’re my last best hope, I need you now!

It is, perhaps, a sign of our society and our times that weapons of species destruction are readily available without restriction at the local grocery store.

Bugs Life 2

Again, the eyes and teeth!

Wanting the war over quickly, decisively, I used an entire mini-crate (ok, a “box”) of four chemical bombs disguised as welcoming kiosks of free and delicious Ant Food. Here, take some home to your nest mates, we have plenty. In fact, why don’t you have all your friends come and share the goodies!

You can, if you wish, believe that Ant Scientists examined the new food—as of course they must examine all new food entering the nest; there must be standards after all. The examination would reveal the deadly peril, and they would immediately all pack up and move to a safer location. If it makes more sense to you that way, then no doubt that’s how it happened.

Ant micro 1

Yet in reality, the stuff of fevered nightmares!

Now as many are aware, in reality the Ants won the war a long time ago. They suffer us to live—more or less undisturbed—in their world. They vastly outnumber us, and they even outweigh us! (Not per Ant, you understand. Most Ants are quite health conscious and exercise daily.)

The point is, this isn’t a case of some looming giant casually wiping out a harmless family of Ants who were just minding their own business.

The opposite of cute!

The opposite of cute!

Oh, no, this is a case of a lone warrior fighting a guerrilla war against overwhelming odds. Just trying to get a few licks in for my short-lived, warm-blooded mammal species before the next meteor hits.

I don’t feel the least bit guilty about the careless Spiders (I figure I’m doing the species a favor: learn to lurk better guys). Ants are even further down the scale of things I’ll easily sacrifice if it’s a case of them or me.

Or of me just being sufficiently annoyed.

Or of anything threatening the Sacred Place of Food.

Ant Treats

Come taste my lovely free Ant Treats!

Turns out my camera is pretty good at macro photos!

Turns out my camera is pretty good at macro photos!

About Wyrd Smythe

The canonical fool on the hill watching the sunset and the rotation of the planet and thinking what he imagines are large thoughts. View all posts by Wyrd Smythe

23 responses to “Them! Ants!

  • Snoring Dog Studio

    My sister next door has a huge ant problem, too. I don’t know why I don’t experience them, but I’m not complaining. They have resorted to those little white plastic dome things and some Terra. I, however, had an enormous spider problem in my bedroom until I found the holes that let them into my house. Crossing my fingers, here, but I think I’ve solved that problem! One of the big reasons I’m thankful to not live south is that we just don’t get that many indoor bugs here!

    • Wyrd Smythe

      Oh, having huge ants is even worse. You need pitchforks and flamethrowers! 😐

      I wonder if having dogs has any effect? I’ve always believed it was why I’ve never had a mouse or cockroach problem, but it could be luck or maybe being a better housekeeper than I realize. I’m okay with the spiders (I respect their predatory nature) so long as they keep mostly out of sight. But of course, in the bedroom isn’t as much fun, especially depending on how one feels about them. Even I’m a bit more aggressive when it comes to sharing sleeping space.

      I know what you mean about bugs, but it’s a funny thing. When I lived in Los Angeles (which is sort of “down south”), the only bugs were a few common flies and some spiders (admittedly, we did have black widows in our electric meter box). Now I live “up north” in Minnesnowta, which has a vast array of different bugs (during the summer of course—I think they all fly south for the winter or something).

      • Snoring Dog Studio

        When I lived in Minnesota, I was amazed at how few bugs there were – having moved there from the bug-infested capital of Texas. Of course, dealing with the MN mosquito and the gnats wasn’t a picnic by any means.

      • Wyrd Smythe

        Yeah, good point, you’re right. I guess my perspective is skewed having come from the bug dead zone of Los Angeles to Minnesota. Now that you mention it, I’m recalling all sorts of stories about bugs “down south.” Up here we do have the advantage of winter coming along and wiping out vast numbers of them annually.

        Mosquitoes. I would be willing to live in a world without mosquitoes, Purple Martins (and some species of bat) be damned (they eat only mosquitoes). [Actually: I cannot tell a lie. That’s a myth about the Martins; not entirely sure about the bats.]

  • dianasschwenk

    I hate having ants in my house! They outweigh us? seriously? Egads!

    • Wyrd Smythe

      The line I read wasn’t entirely clear… it said the ants alive today would weigh about as much as “the entire human race.” The two phrasings, “ants alive today” and “entire human race” makes it sound to me like they’re comparing living ants now with all humans who ever lived (or are living).

      If that’s right, then they considerably outweigh the humans living today, since the humans alive right now—despite the myth you sometimes hear—are just a fraction of the number of total humans who ever lived. (You sometimes hear that there are more people alive today than the total number of all who’ve come before. This is utterly, totally false.)

  • Linda Vernon

    Haha!! 😀 I with you every step of the way here– especially the step that crushes of the little devils! And the pictures are giving me the heebe jeebees! 😀

  • charmarie221

    I had a friend suggest baby powder or corn starch sprinkled at entry points. It seemed far too easy to actually be effective, so I never tried it. I could be living the Alanis Morisette lyrics “It’s the good adviiiiiice that you just didn’t take!”

    • Wyrd Smythe

      Sounds like the idea would be to gum up their joints with grit. I donno; it does have the advantage of being organic and non-toxic. That was an issue for me in previous years when I still had a dog.

  • Friday Pick 32 « talktodiana

    […] Them! Ants! by Logos con carne […]

%d bloggers like this: