Final Stretch

Walmart workerThis week begins the 25 final work days at The Company. Retirement is up there with the other major lifetime events: birth, marriage, career, parenthood, property, divorce, health, death. For many it’s the conclusion of the other main relationship in their lives.

I find I’m too distracted and tense to write blog articles right now. The anticipation making me… making me… I dunno,… making me w… wonder if the day will ever come. It’s like an adult Christmas that only comes once in a lifetime.

So, in the meantime—Spring Cleaning—I’m clearing out my files. These are things I’ve kept for years thinking I might use them some day…

Walmart Application

This is (supposedly) an actual job application that a 75-year-old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny…..

George Martin
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
Desired position:
Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place?
Desired salary:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
Last position held:
Target for middle management hostility.
Previous salary:
A lot less than I’m worth.
Most notable achievement:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
Reason for leaving:
It sucked.
Hours available to work:
Preferred hours:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
Do you have any special skills?:
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
May we contact your current employer?:
If I had one, would I be here?
Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
Do you have a car?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
Have you received any special awards or recognition?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
Do you smoke?:
On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!
What would you like to be doing in five years?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
Nearest relative:
7 miles
Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?:
Oh yes, absolutely.

So it obviously pays to think outside the box! I must remember this when I fill out my application!

Husband banned from Walmart

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women—she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Smythe,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smythe, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,’Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud-speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

What can I say? I get bored waiting!!

About Wyrd Smythe

The canonical fool on the hill watching the sunset and the rotation of the planet and thinking what he imagines are large thoughts. View all posts by Wyrd Smythe

8 responses to “Final Stretch

  • dianasschwenk

    Is that second one a true story? Ho-ly! That would be entertaining to watch, don’t you think?

  • bronxboy55

    I almost believed the letter to Mrs. Smythe. But then I realized: alarm clocks aren’t in Housewares. They’re in Domestics.

    I’m so gullible sometimes.

  • Lady from Manila

    This post belongs to the Top 5 of my all-time faves here. It never fails to elicit a hearty chuckle from me every time I reread it. Hysterically funny. Were you the one who authored those two hilarious plots?

    • Wyrd Smythe

      No, both of those were passed on to me in emails. I cleaned up the text a little, but that’s all. I agree: they’re hysterical! I don’t normally pass on chain email — I really don’t pass on the ones telling me to pass them on to ten people so angels will pray for me (and if I don’t, puppies will be sad). But these were good enough to save for use “someday.”

      Back in the day, I saved stuff like that for my personal website. But the blogsphere has made personal websites kind of passé, and I realized it was silly to try to be a librarian for internet material. It’s out there, it’ll be out there if I need it, no point it keeping a copy myself. So even to the extent I still have a personal website (which I do), it’s not the material I want to serve there.

      The better ones do have some value providing meat for blog posts though! I used a bunch of Christmas-related ones last Christmas, and this year I’ve posted some “From My Collection” posts. That way, I (A) make use of something I’ve been saving a long time, and (2) can stop saving them on my hard drive!

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