Today you get a re-post of a post from last year at this time. And it was a re-post then, as well. It’s piece I wrote several years ago for a writing exercise in another venue. I thought it turned out pretty well, and I still like it after so many years, so I thought it was worth sharing again.
The original writing exercise (and it was just an exercise; there were no winners or judges) was to write a short piece from the point of view of a pumpkin. The exercise was given to us around this time—fall—just before Halloween. (It was the same guy who gave us an exercise to write a piece from the point of view of our car!)
Most writers took the tack that pumpkins suffered horribly at this time of year. Naturally, I took a different tack, and so I give you…
The Truth About Gourdians
I’ve been absorbing (Gourdians don’t read, we absorb), with great interest, this recent bipedal hand wringing over the perceived violent and disgusting end that befalls some Gourdians. “Woe the lot of the poor Pumpkin Person,” they wail, “How awful to suffer the carving knife!” Well, I want to set the record straight; you couldn’t be more wrong. Here’s the deal.
The highest honor that can befall a Gourdian is to enter the proud ranks of The Jack. Few are chosen, but they are the finest of our race. The most unfortunate of Gourdians have only the ignoble future of rotting in cold, open fields: forgotten, ignored, made as mere mulch.
Those of us with more mathematical bent can enter the Brotherhood of Pi; and these are many, some canned, some fresh. Consumption by bipeds is a glorious end; certainly preferable to consumption by quads (consumption by hexes, or worse, is almost as bad as rotting). Certain of our citizens belong to other consumption sects: the Breads, the Cakes or the Cookies. Truly, any fodder status at least fulfills some useful station in life.
But to become a Jack is the ultimate goal of any Gourdian. Those few who make the grade and are selected go on to become the revered of our nation. Each selected by a biped who stooped down to claim one of us for their own. Each transformed into a unique magic creature to guard the bipedal demesnes. It is the highest calling of any Gourdian.
I’d also like to say a few words about, so called, Pumpkin Porn.
Here, too, the bipedal view may miss the mark when it comes to Gourdians. Remember that we’re born under open skies and live our lives naked under those same skies. For us, when you’re talking about the birds and bees, this is literally the case.
And if there’s one thing you can say about Gourdians, we’re an earthy species. We have no real concept of personal space or privacy; there’s just too many of us sucking on one vine (if you catch my drift).
So remember, for good luck, Carve a Jack! And kiss a Gourdian!
October 23rd, 2012 at 11:45 pm
I loved it! 😀
October 24th, 2012 at 6:45 am
I’m glad!
October 24th, 2012 at 6:27 am
Re-re-posting is environmentally sound. (I plan to re-post and re-re-post this comment as often as possible.)
October 24th, 2012 at 6:52 am
LOL 😆 [This reply contains 100% recycled letters.]
October 24th, 2012 at 1:22 pm
I wasn’t reading a year ago so this is new to me. Put a smile on my face!
October 24th, 2012 at 5:49 pm
Then it had the desired effect! Glad you enjoyed it! 🙂
October 21st, 2013 at 5:09 pm
Reblogged this on Logos con carne and commented:
Ah, it’s that time of year again, so here again is unvarnished truth about our yellow-orange friends and their lifestyle.
Sad personal fact: I’m not a fan of most vegetables. At the very bottom of that list are the squashes, including my Gourdian friend, the Pumpkin. Not a fan of cooked fruit, so pie is off my menu and never more so than “squash pie.” Revolting!! 😀
Speaking of revolting, a good friend loves this time of year, because all the microbrewery pumpkin ales come out. Ewwww…. “squash beer.” 😕
Halloween candy on the other hand…..
April 4th, 2024 at 12:49 pm
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April 28th, 2024 at 11:13 am
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