Men’s Replies

questions0I’m finding it seriously difficult to spend time at the computer blogging (or doing anything else computer related). The weather has continued to be wonderful—warm but not too hot—which is bad enough.  It’s that nagging feeling that I just got out of a 33-year career that had my face buried in a computer screen all day.  (Well, okay, not maybe that first four years I was in the field, but once I moved to HQ and took a desk job, ever since!)

So, until it either heats up to the point of requiring air-conditioned air and closed windows, or winter comes and I have to hide from the snow and ice, I really, really feel like I’d rather spend my days goofing off.  Blogging feels too much like work!

So in the meantime, here’s another item from my collection. Men’s replies to the questions that women (constantly) ask…

questions21. Why are men such jerks?

It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood.

2. Why do men always have to ogle at other women?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

questions14. Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well-chosen) words.

5. Why are men so uncommunicative?

You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. Why do men have to act like such goofballs?

Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old-fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. Why can’t men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

questions38. Why can’t men cuddle more (i.e., lie down and hug)?

Please… How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. Why can’t men just say “I love you?”

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.

questions411. Why do men say “I love you” when they hardly know me?

Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure-fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. What does it mean when men say “I Love You?”

  • Please sleep with me.
  • I’m sorry for whatever it is that I did.
  • I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
  • Huh? I’m sorry; I wasn’t listening.
  • What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
  • Stop nagging me.
  • What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

13. Why doesn’t my partner ever answer me?

We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

14. Why won’t men ever pick up after themselves?

Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you will pick it up.

questions515. What’s with all the belching and farting?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

16. Why do men hate shopping?

It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing… er… buying?

About Wyrd Smythe

The canonical fool on the hill watching the sunset and the rotation of the planet and thinking what he imagines are large thoughts. View all posts by Wyrd Smythe

24 responses to “Men’s Replies

  • pickledwings

    Love it! 5 and 13 particularly ring true!

  • Alex Autin

    I seriously thought about writing a response to this on my blog. But then again, what would be the point….

    🙂

    • Wyrd Smythe

      Fun? Education? Unchaining the demons?

      Fancy running into you here! I was just thinking about you the other day.

      • Alex Autin

        LOL, some demons are best left chained.

        Were you really? What were you thinking?

      • Wyrd Smythe

        Just that it had been a little while since you’d posted and updated us on your move. (Unless I missed a post—always a possibility!) Just wondering how things were going for ya.

        It might be pointless, but I’d certainly be interested in your response post!

        (For the record, this was a humorous post about other guys! I’d like to believe the jury returns a “Not Guilty” verdict for me on all counts. (Okay, okay, I’ll plead guilty on #6, and if you bring out the rubber hoses, I’ll cop to #15. (But my job required developing the #9 skill, so blame that one on my former employer.))

      • Alex Autin

        There is absolutely no excuse for #15, none. Seriously…

        You’re right, it had been a while since I posted (this changed this morning). I’ve been crazy busy. I’m back in Texas now, and have like a million things in the works. As for the response post – it might be kinda fun. I do at times like to step away from the science/astronomy thing for a while, a VERY short while.

      • Wyrd Smythe

        That’s one thing I’ve always liked about you, Alex: your head isn’t just in the clouds,… it’s far beyond! (Pity I didn’t run into someone like you 20 years ago.)

      • Alex Autin

        Wait – is that some sort of back handed compliment?!

      • Wyrd Smythe

        Not back-handed… I was shooting for cute (way to put it)!

  • reocochran

    I have to think you are wrong. I don’t want you (or “men”) to believe you are big problems. Like you mentioned we (“women”) have our own adjustments to make (bras, panties, etc.) and we have our own problems. Don’t take the blame; but don’t give us it back either. We all have to get along! Well, that is my two cents’ worth for today!

  • reocochran

    Really now? Okay, that may be your point of view… I knew it was humorous or I would not have mentioned bras and panties… Take care and hope you are loving those nice cool evenings with a nice cold brew.

    • Wyrd Smythe

      Sadly, that worm has turned. We’ve been having temps in the 90s with high humidity. Just in time for my dog sitting weekend, too, so we were trapped inside much more often than either of us liked. At least I enjoy watching some TV… the poor dog was bored. Now I’m hoping for some nice autumn weather to show up!

  • Lady from Manila

    I’ve been meaning to come back here to comment because the topic of men and their behavior have always been interesting. But first, take a look at another popular list that went around the internet. Similar to your post above, the items stated are true. And funny. 🙂

    Man Rules

    At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys’ side of the story. (I must admit, it’s pretty good.) We always hear ‘The Rules’ from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note: These are all numbered #1 on purpose!

    1. Men are not mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we…

    1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. we have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear..

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…really.

    1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

    1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping…

    Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh…

    Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them a bigger laugh, because its true!

    What can you say about this, Mr Smythe? 🙂
    I do hope you’re feeling better, my friend.

    • Wyrd Smythe

      (I reformatted it to get it into “proper case” (all UPPER CASE seems so much like YELLING); I hope you don’t mind.)

      It’s cute! There is a grain of truth behind the humor, although (obviously) the bullet points don’t apply universally. (As someone who worked with graphics, film and light, my palette has way more than 16 colors — I even know the difference between beige, tan and taupe! :D)

      I will say the second #1 has always been a rule with me. The usual complaint is, “I woke up to pee at 3 AM and got a wet bottom!” I look at it this way: if I woke up to pee at 3 AM and peed all over the toilet lid because I didn’t check the system configuration, are you going to cut me any slack? (No, I didn’t think so; you don’t get any either. You’re an adult, you live in a house with a man, it’s totally on you to check first.) There is also that, if you’re equal enough to open your own doors and earn your own pay, then you’re equal enough to check the toilet prior to use! 🙂

      • Lady from Manila

        😀

        The list was originally sent to me in Uppercase letters. I also had wanted to reformat it but didn’t know how. So I simply copied and pasted. Now that you’ve mentioned it, yeah, it seems like yelling. 🙂 Thanks for the conversion.

        I’ll get back to you on this same topic one of these days. I’ve a crazy workweek ahead. 😦 🙂
        Best wishes, Wyrd.

      • Wyrd Smythe

        I have text tools that are the envy of all! 😀 It took me only a few minutes; I shudder to think how long it would take to do by hand!

        Here’s to getting through your crazy week… They say thinking about baseball helps… 😕

  • Lady from Manila

    Hi! As I said before, I have many things to say about this topic because I like men, in general, and I’ve always enjoyed their company – setting aside their frustrating and annoying conduct at times. 🙂

    Anyway, I’ve got here a couple of beliefs I adhere to when it comes to relating with men. My experience with them has warranted their validity, but I’d still want to know what you have to say.

    “No matter what a guy tells you, the only thing to believe are his actions.”

    “Men will get away with what you let them get away with. They know it’s wrong, but they’ll still try to see how far they can push the envelope.”

    Interesting, huh? 😉

    I’ve been pretty busy these days. But don’t ever think I’ve forgotten about your blog – as it remains as my most favorite. No kidding. A new post from you – no matter what the topic – never fails to render me glad.
    I hope you’re feeling better these days, my friend.

    • Wyrd Smythe

      Hi Marj; welcome to the weekend!

      Funny thing,… everything you just said about men, I’ve said about women, including the part about “their frustrating and annoying conduct at times.”

      You’ve been around here long enough to know I don’t find much meat on “bumper stickers” (aphorisms, epigrams and quotes, oh my! :D). They can be the seeds of worthwhile discussions and thoughts, though. Let’s plant these two and see what grows. {Do you know the old saying about Oak trees? “From little things, great things grow. Remember that the mighty Oak was once a little nut, like you.” 😆 :lol:}

      I’ve always been prone to judge people by their actions, male or female. Words can so easily be false. But so can actions, so I think it’s important to judge people over the course of time based on their actions and their words. A characteristic of people is the extent to which they keep their word!

      A key principle in my life is the idea that your word is one of the few things you can control, so spend it wisely and treasure its integrity. It may be one of the few pieces of gold you actually own in this life. Once you tarnish your integrity, it’s hard to get it back. And, obviously, beware of people with false gold!

      “Give them an inch, and they’ll take a mile,” is an old expression, and again I’ve found it applies to men and women. I’d say it applies to everyone one way or another. “Taking up the slack,” is a more benign version of idea. There is also the idea that pushing the envelop isn’t always a bad thing. It applies to ones personal growth as well as society’s.

      That said, both your version and the ‘inch/mile’ version are often applied to men in a sexual context, and there it’s a fair statement. Totally guilty myself on many occasions as a young man! In fact, there are a handful of times I backed off from an apparent barrier only to realize way too late it wasn’t a barrier at all. A lot more fun would have been had on both sides had I understood that in time. (Still, there is the idea of “better safe than sorry” and I’d rather back off from a false “no” than motor through a true one.)

      [The problem is that people can be conflicted about their own feelings and sometimes do send false signals. Sometimes the “idea” of something — the label it has attached — prevents us from what we desire. For example, a time came when my ex-wife came to feel that she’d made a double mistake by divorcing me and getting re-married so quickly. But she was prevented from doing what her heart wanted because of the label, “three-time divorcee.”]

      [[There are many other cases where labels that society applies prevent us from acting. It’s important to recognize the difference between artificial labels that are imposed on us from outside and the facts of our existence. For example, your desire for a sexy co-worker aren’t relevant if the fact is you’re committed to another. (If you would follow your heart, you must first undo the commitment. If your commitment includes the idea of “til death does us part” then you’d better be pretty sure your heart is right before you break your word.)]]

      [[[For the record, infidelity is just an example. None of the above should be taken to indicate a sore point or sub-agenda on my part. Infidelity has never played a role in any of my relationships. (There was one time I thought maybe a girl friend had been with someone else, but we had (at her insistence) an open relationship at that point, so it wasn’t my business anyway.)]]]

      Anyway, when it comes to sex, men have the biological excuse of genetics. We’re hardwired to want to spread our sperm around as much as possible. It’s evolution, biology, in action! Likewise women are hardwired to be selective (a vital part of evolution) and to seek stability and consistency because they bear children.

      Women got it. Men want it. That’s a core part of being alive! 😀

      • Lady from Manila

        We’re ok, my friend. I just tend to misunderstand unfamiliar sayings. My comprehension gets lost every now and then. 🙂

        I hope you’re doing fine these days, Wyrd. Please continue smiling and doing your stuff. I remain your biggest fan, don’t you forget that. Your recent posts are really good but require a lot from me to be fully digested. I’m trying my best, though. 🙂 Do smile. The world needs someone like you. We’re gonna be alright.

        It’s a special holiday here today – election day. But only for barangay (minor) seats.

        Take care, dear pal. Have a grand week. I’ll be back for sure.

      • Wyrd Smythe

        No problem; questions are always welcome. I’ve been deep in some project work, so I’ve been ignoring WP (and the interweb in general). And it’s the World Series, so that’s sucking up some attention.

        To be honest, I’m not really very fine at all, especially wrt WP. I’m finding blogging increasingly unrewarding. You’re about my only fan. I’ve apparently even lost the interest of some long time readers I thought were friends and loyal. Apparently not.

        I thought those last few posts might generate some interest. It did for a while, but page hits have returned to their usual trickle. More and more, given the day-long effort most posts require, I’m asking myself what’s the point? I have other projects that I enjoy working on and which return results I enjoy. Blogging increasingly feels like drudgery, and I’m finding within me a growing hostility and resentment towards the whole thing.

        I’d like to think this is just a passing mood, but … well, it’s not passing. Maybe the blogsphere, like life, is another place I just don’t fit in.

        [shrug] Whatever. I’m going to continue focusing on work that I enjoy. My new policy is to only write here when I feel like it, and for the moment … I don’t.

        Hope you had fun on your day off!

  • Lady from Manila

    WS, I’m a bit confused. You said I can ask questions. So I wonder – what do you exactly mean by your joke above, with those double emoticons? “{Do you know the old saying about Oak trees? “From little things, great things grow. Remember that the mighty Oak was once a little nut, like you.” 😆 😆 }”

    • Wyrd Smythe

      Well, I didn’t mean much by it, just a passing joke line from my deep past. I suppose the exact meaning is a reference to taking simple epigrams and using them as “seeds” to “plant” a conversation from which a meaningful discussion (a “big tree”) could grow. Plus just some mild humor (I rarely turn the humor dial below “2” except for very serious discussions); plus some friendly joke-teasing (obliquely implying you’re “a nut”). I think I threw in the double emoticons to signal nothing serious was meant in case you (or anyone) though I was actually calling your (or anyone) a nut.

      Mostly I’ve just always really liked that line. It’s an interesting truth about how big things grow from little things. Tiny acorns; mighty oaks. (Perhaps my favorite type of tree!)

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