Dear [insert name]…

I will admit: There are times when it would be nice to have a Twitter account just so that I could fire off tiny missive missiles about things that annoy me (or, flip side, delight me, but that happens all too rarely these days).

And by “annoy” I mean: Really. Piss. Me. Off. Another sign of the times is that mere annoyance barely registers anymore. What with that evil orange toad illegally squatting in the Oblong Office, I live mostly in a state of constant rage.

So a brief angry pause from streaming video for some spleen venting…

Dear Local Grocery Store:

Please finish redesigning the whole fucking store! For months, every time I shop, everything is different. Again. And all that damn construction is making me crazy. The constant beeping from those scissor lift machines makes me want to kick puppies.

Stop moving stuff around. Today I couldn’t find the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!

I wish you weren’t the only grocery store in my neighborhood, because if I had any other options, you would have seen the last of me!

Dear CNN:

Why is it that every time I try switching to CNN just see if Cheeto Charlie’s head finally exploded, you’re in commercial. I was watching Nicole Wallace on MSNBC, she went to commercial, so I flipped to CNN… who, of course, was also in commercial (but there’s no collusion).

When Nicole came back from her “sneaking in a break,” you were still in commercial. What the fuck?

Also, get rid of Wolf Blitzer. He’s way past his sell-by date and clearly useless.

Dear Austin Bomber:

Please blow yourself up. Also: Fuck You, you fucking asshole!

Update 2018/03/21: Which is exactly what he did! Yay!

Dear Uber:

I knew you’d kill someone with your self-driving cars. Think maybe you rushed to technology a little too fast there?

#deleteuber

Dear Facebook:

Your fundamental evil is showing. I hope you go the way of MySpace. I deleted my account years ago and haven’t missed it one bit. In fact, my life has been better, because I’m not always wondering why the fuck I’m even on your empty, shallow, pointless platform.

#deletefacebook

Dear AARP:

Fuck. Off.

I’ve been ignoring you for, like, 15 years. What does it take to get the hint? Not interested. At all. You have nothing I want, and I’m not giving you my money. Like, ever.

Dear Comcast:

Your days are so numbered. You’d have a slight chance if you weren’t so awful at curating your On Demand offerings. And if they didn’t still have commercials in them.

In fact, I’d probably stay and pay a premium price if you were commercial-free.

Dear Hulu:

Love your content, but your apps really suck. For the love of God, please hire some programmers who know what they’re doing. The app on my LG Smart TV is very confused about my WatchList, and the app on my iPad still thinks I have unwatched episodes of shows I’ve watched.

Dear Netflix:

Why is your movie selection so bad? Weren’t you the original great source for all things movies? I’ve searched for a number of good movies only to be told I can rent a DVD from you using some other price structure. WTF?

Also, while I love that you let me manually arrange the order of stuff on MyList, it’s only on the PC website (apparently not even the mobile website), not on the iPad app (let alone the TV app). What’s worse, that one place seems to have a length limit and doesn’t show all my shit. WTF?

And why does my TV’s app add items to the end of the list while my iPad app adds them to the front? I repeat: WTF?

Dear Republicans:

Most of you have shown yourselves to be without principles of any kind. History will not be kind. I’m amazed you don’t get that, or is it that you truly don’t care? “I got mine, who cares what history thinks?” Well, your true colors are on full display these days.

I hope a blue tsunami wipes you out come November.

Dear Mitch McConnell:

You’re the second biggest piece of shit in our modern political history. I’ve hated you for many years. I can only take comfort in that history will seriously revile you, you corrupt evil motherfucker.

I saw an article today with a survey that showed how even Republicans generally hate you.

Dear Mike Pence:

You’re the third biggest piece of shit in politics these days. I immediately bought John Oliver’s A Day In the Life of Marlon Bundo (written by staff writer Jill Twiss). I hope millions of people do!

It’s even available as an iBook, which is how I got my copy. BTW: All proceeds go to a good charity.

Dear Sarah Sanders:

There’s a very crude word that I never use (at least not pejoratively; the Brits and Aussies have a charming way of using it), but there’s just no other choice in this case: You are a Fucking Cunt.

History is going to trash the whole lot of you. I hope I live long enough to see it happen.

Dear Trump Supporters:

Enough already. The world you cling to is history. Deal with it. At this point you’re no better than those fucking religious terrorists in the Middle East.

God wants you all to join the modern world and chill the fuck out. Trust me on this; He told me so directly, and I know you know that can happen.

Dear Apple:

Okay, I’ve owned an iPod for many years (the 120 MB Classic), and I’ve had my iPad for over a year… and I’m really underwhelmed. Love the iPod, and iBooks are pretty sweet… but that’s kinda it.

The problem, as I see it, is that touchscreen apps are just really, really lame. This becomes very apparent comparing any touchscreen app to its PC desktop version.

Google Earth, for instance: Awesome on the desktop, a dumb browser as an app. Likewise the Netflix and Hulu apps.

And your Photos app is pathetic. Really pathetic. Why can’t I know the size of my images? Why can’t I sort them, except by hand (which sucks).

Seriously, Apple,… you underwhelm me and depress me.

Dear Spammers and Scammers:

I hate you most of all. I think we should treat you as an invading enemy force and use the military to take you out.

I especially hate the “Windows Technician” calls. I just yell, “Thief! Thief! Thief!” into the phone until you hang up. I also like pressing the touch-tone buttons in the hopes it damages your hearing — I know it’s loud on the other end (what I need is a really loud whistle).

Also hating those who email my blog with some shit like: “I love your blog. Please contact me about guest posts.” I know what you’re up to, assholes. If you really liked the blog, I’d have seen you by now. Or you’d at least say why. That’s kind of a dead giveaway.

Dear WordPress Picture Bloggers:

WTF? Why do you follow my blog? What are you trying to accomplish?

When I link over to yours, and all I see are pictures of dogs, or cats, or flowers, or food, or exotic locations, or whatever-the-fuck, but no text, no About, and no apparent reason to have anything to do with you…

Well, I remove you as a follower and report your blog as spam. Piss off!

§

And on a happier note:

§

Dear MSNBC’s Nicole Wallace:

Yours is the only “news” (ha!) show I watch anymore. I don’t know exactly why, but you’re the only one left who doesn’t make me want to chew glass. I gave up on Chris Matthews long ago, and Rachel Maddow’s annoying traits finally overcame my appreciation of what she does.

Chris Hayes isn’t too bad, and I can take Lawrence O’Donnell in occasional small doses. But Chuck Todd is so not Tim Russert that I just can’t handle him.

It’s just you and me, babe.

Dear Stormy Daniels:

Go get’m! The whole country (minus ~33%) is rooting for you! You have more power than all the Republicans combined! Soldier on!

Dear Vernal Equinox:

Welcome! Delighted to see you!

Almost makes up for Daylight Saving (not “Savings”) Time. Almost.

Dear HBO’s Westworld:

The wait is nearly over! I’m so looking forward to what comes next! I recently bought the Season One Blu-Ray 4K version to watch on my new 65″ OLED TV, and I will be studying it very carefully over the next few weeks!

Dear Dan Harmon and Justin Roiland:

Please, oh please! Everyone with any taste or brains wants a fourth season of Rick and Morty. If the Cartoon Network won’t renew it, surely someone else will. I hope you guys are at least working on it!

Why is it that great science fiction animated comedies (all two of them) have such a hard time staying on the air? Futurama suffered as well. I take it as proof our culture is in serious decay.

§

Well!

I feel a lot better now!

About Wyrd Smythe

The canonical fool on the hill watching the sunset and the rotation of the planet and thinking what he imagines are large thoughts. View all posts by Wyrd Smythe

6 responses to “Dear [insert name]…

  • J Ryan

    THANK YOU!! The best laugh i’ve had in ages. Sad that it’s all true!!!

    • Wyrd Smythe

      So, so true. 😮

      But it actually did make me feel better. I walked away from posting this with a grin!

      My only regret is that I forgot to mention that Evil Elf, Sessions (who’s tied with Paul Ryan for fourth place POS). Oh, well, next time. (Which may be soon. I found myself ranting again… and taking notes. Pretty sure I’ll have to post those so I can grin again.)

  • rung2diotimasladder

    What IS up with all the puppy/kitten blogs? I’m a sucker for puppies, but I can think of better ways to waste my time.

    Well, I’m glad you said something. I thought I might be doing something to attract puppy bloggers. All I can say is, at least it’s not human babies. I really don’t want to see those. (They look a bit like Sessions to me.)

    • Wyrd Smythe

      I have no idea what those blogs are about — they never have an About page! And the pictures never have any text, and, other than following the blog theme, seem pretty random. Is it a scam of some sort, or a newbie blogger who thinks this is Instagram or one of those other picture sites?

      Heh, Sessions… Evil Elf!

      • rung2diotimasladder

        I hope it’s newbie bloggers. If it’s a scam, I can’t see it, and that’s unsettling. But I get the same feeling about it. Why would anyone put a bunch of photos up, no words, as you say? What is going through that person’s mind? But then again, maybe it’s not as weird as I think it is. I don’t get Twitter or Facebook. The only thing I know about Instagram is that it gets in my way when I want to get information. I’m not being sarcastic about Instagram. I have no idea what the point of it is.

      • Wyrd Smythe

        Yeah, about all I know about most social media platforms is their name. I don’t even have a Facebook account anymore, and I never had a Twitter account. Had a MySpace page for a while, but that was even stupider than Facebook, and it didn’t last long.

        For some reason I don’t think those weird picture blogs are newbie bloggers, but I’m not sure why I think that. Just a sense. But I’m damned if I can figure out the point. There have been enough of them over the years that it seems a definite thing, but… damnifeyeno ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

        Speaking of weird spammers (or scammers), I’ve seen email subscribes that always come in pairs, one a few hours after the other, with the subscribers always have a outlook.com email address. I decided these must not be legit, so I went in to remove them, but none of them were there. Looks like WordPress itself removed them. Weird.

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