I was tempted — just for a moment — to call this The Lost Oeuvre, but it really doesn’t rate such a highfalutin title. (And until just now, I had no idea “highfalutin” was a single, hyphen-free, word.) Considering that “works” can refer to drug-taking gear, that word seems just right.
Going through some old stuff, I came across typewritten copies of a few scripts from my film student college days. Not just film, but television production, too. I ended up becoming a computer programmer, but for a while I aspired to be the next George Lucas (or more likely, Quentin Tarantino).
For fun, I thought I’d share one of the ones I’m not too embarrassed by all these years later.
Keep in mind that: [A] I was in college; [B] It was Los Angeles in the mid-1970s; [C] We smoked a lot of weed; [D] And were entirely too full of ourselves (as most college students tend to be).
What follows is a short teleplay I wrote and directed for my Junior year Television Production class.
I stumbled across it while cleaning this morning and found myself reading it with fond memories. A lot of the stuff I did back then will absolutely never again see the light of day, but this one didn’t seem completely awful.
Anyway, without further ado, I give you:
A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to Purgatory
FADE IN:
TITLE SEQUENCE
FADE TO:
INT ELEVATOR – DAY
We see an empty elevator, the type of elevator that one might find in a large downtown office building. The door slides open, and STANLEY steps into the elevator. He pushes the button for his floor, and stands watching the numbers over the door. Suddenly, the lights go out, and the elevator is plunged into darkness! When the lights come back on, we see that Stanley is no longer alone in the elevator; he has been joined by PETER FINCH. Finch carries a notebook…
FINCH
Hello, Stanley.
STANLEY (surprised)
Do I know you?
FINCH
No, not directly anyway. My name is Finch, Peter Finch. You may call me Finch.
STANLEY
Pleasure to meet you,… I guess.
(beat)
What happened?
FINCH
Ah, well you might ask, Stanley. I don’t really know how to tell you this,… but, you’re dead, Stanley.
Stanley stares at Finch for a moment. Then enlightenment crosses his face.
STANLEY
Oh! I get it! Where’s the camera?
Stanley peers into the elevator buttons.
STANLEY (cont)
Hi Mom! Hi Dad!
FINCH
I think you’re getting hysterical. I don’t blame you, of course, but you’ve got to accept this, Stanley.
STANLEY (rallying)
I don’t feel very dead!
FINCH
How would you know? Have you ever been dead before?
STANLEY
I’ve been really tired…
FINCH (interrupting)
Doesn’t count, Stanley.
Stanley is beginning to accept.
STANLEY
How did I die?
FINCH
Well, do you remember when the lights went out a little while ago?
STANLEY (doubtful)
Yeah…
FINCH (waxing poetic)
That was a power failure that plunged the whole city into darkness..
STANLEY (interrupting)
It was two o’clock in the afternoon.
FINCH (irritated)
Well then it didn’t plunge the whole city into darkness. This elevator, however, did plunge; down, down, down…
STANLEY
I was only on the third floor.
FINCH
You forget the six sub-basements.
STANLEY
No safety brakes?
FINCH (shrugging)
Poor maintenance.
STANLEY
Oh.
FINCH
It was beyond terrible, Stanley. You were crushed beyond recognition…
Stanley makes a last bid for his life.
STANLEY
I think one of us is going crazy. Who in the hell are you?
FINCH (proudly)
Actually, you hit it right on the nose. I represent one of the Afterlife Alternatives.
STANLEY
Oh.
(beat)
The who?
FINCH
Heaven and Hell.
STANLEY (eyes wide)
Which are you?
FINCH
Hell.
STANLEY (incredulous)
You’re the Devil?
FINCH
Oh, no! Perish the thought. I am a Devil. In fact, I only started today.
STANLEY (upset)
I don’t want to got to Hell!
FINCH
It really isn’t that bad. Besides, you might not even be going.
At that moment the elevator doors slide open and the ANGEL steps in. She also carries a notebook.
ANGEL
Hello, Stanley! How are you… considering?
STANLEY (hopelessly)
Great,… considering.
FINCH (to Angel)
Hi! My name is Peter Finch…
ANGEL (simultaneously)
Peter Finch. Yes, I know.
(to Stanley)
Well now, Stanley, let’s see how your mortal life has been.
FINCH
He hasn’t been to church in four years…
The Angel consults her notebook.
ANGEL
True, but he does send his children…
FINCH (interrupting)
The fact remains…
ANGEL (continuing)
…And he has been good to his wife
Now Finch consults his notebook.
FINCH
What about the Seaside Motel two years ago?
STANLEY
That only happened once!
ANGEL and FINCH (together)
Once, Stanley?
STANLEY
Well,… twice.
(beat)
Alright, three times.
ANGEL
And it did end up helping his marriage.
FINCH (angry)
Oh, come on now. If he breaks the fifth commandment, he breaks the fifth commandment.
ANGEL
You mean the sixth.
FINCH (disdainful)
I really wouldn’t know.
ANGEL
Down to business, Finch. I’ll trade you the last two times at the Seaside Motel for…
(checks notebook)
…that hanky panky with his new secretary.
STANLEY
Hey! Nothing happened…
(shrugs)
…hardly.
ANGEL
Exactly. It really was a minor offense.
FINCH (doubtful)
Well,… how about all three times at the Seaside Motel for not going to church?
ANGEL
Throw in that perfectly harmless stag party last September, and you got a deal.
FINCH (outraged)
Perfectly harmless? Are we talking about the same Stanley, I wonder?
ANGEL (reaching)
Compared to the others, Stanley was a… a perfect angel.
By this time, Stanley, who is largely being ignored, has sunk to the floor of the elevator, head in hands.
FINCH
Who disappeared with the girl in the cake?
ANGEL (angry)
They didn’t do anything.
FINCH (starting to yell)
And why not? Stanley was too drunk. That’s why not.
ANGEL (yelling, too)
A Little Wine For Thy Stomach’s Sake!
FINCH (still yelling)
It sure didn’t help the rest of him!
ANGEL (also still yelling)
Hardly the sin of the century!
FINCH
I never said it was!
They both stop to catch their breath and glare at each other.
FINCH (calmly)
I’ll trade you that phony land deal and not going to church for all three times at the Seaside Motel.
ANGEL (still mad)
That’s hardly any deal at all. I’ll trade you one of the times in the motel for the stag party.
We hold on Stanley on the floor and begin to fade out as the two Representatives continue to argue.
FINCH
All three times, and you’ve got a deal.
ANGEL
Two times. I’ll throw in the secretary.
FINCH
Oh, no. That’s too easy. How about…
FADE OUT
THE END
Logos con carne 
February 18th, 2015 at 4:45 pm
Good grief; I hope that’s not what happens. I think I’d negotiate a bit harder than Stanley though. I wrote a song for a kids TV series once; it was quite abominable.
February 18th, 2015 at 6:23 pm
Well, I was just guessing, of course. Not having actually ever died, I have no idea what — if anything — comes next. They do say you should write what you know… ah, maybe that’s the problem!
February 18th, 2015 at 6:32 pm
Oh, Stanley was intentionally a bit of a milquetoast. Part of that is coded in his name, some of it in his past deeds. And, certainly, in his passiveness here, but then the poor fellow did just discover he’d died. When I cast him, I used one of the mildest guys I knew. Finch and Angel were much more aggressive friends — lawyer types, in fact.
(In fact, now that I think of it, the gal who played Angel went on to join the Air Force, snagged a husband there, and ended up as — in fact — a prosecuting attorney for the state of California. At the time she was a theatre major!)
February 18th, 2015 at 6:48 pm
Got any film?
February 18th, 2015 at 6:58 pm
(Video, in this case.) Unfortunately, no. 😦 That’s what makes these “the lost works” — I never got around to making a copy before they erased the tape for the next semester’s students.
February 18th, 2015 at 7:13 pm
What about “the not lost works” – got any of those?
February 18th, 2015 at 9:39 pm
Sadly, not really. The second half of my college days were fairly chaotic and wild (“interesting times” as they say) — much more than my films and TV productions was lost. I do have a 16mm short film that was shown at a film festival, and I may have a video production cassette (the old chunky kind first used by TV stations — about twice the size of a VHS) with some stuff, but finding a player? (And mag tape 40 years later? Even if I found a player, who knows what shape the tape is in.)
Mostly all I have is some printed material and some fuzzy memories.
February 19th, 2015 at 5:25 am
Do you have the 16mm short film in digital format too? If so, would you consider making it public here? You could almost certainly get that other tape transferred; something would be left to view wouldn’t it? Perhaps you don’t think it’s worthwhile? Someone recently sent me a CD of some garage band stuff I did 40 years ago, and you know what, much to my surprise it wasn’t half dreadful. 😥
February 19th, 2015 at 10:36 am
I don’t have any of it in digital format. I think that tape (if I still have it; if I can find it) might have suffered some heat damage somewhere along the way. It would be nice to transfer the 16mm just to see it again. It was patterned on those “music videos” that appeared sometimes on the Smothers Brothers show in the mid-1960s. They were usually done with the Mason Williams instrumental, Classical Gas. The video always consisted of a series of really quick shots — a montage of imagery.
I used Topless Dancers of Corfu, a bouncy Moog piece by Dick Hyman from his Electric Eclectics album (which, along with Wendy/Walter Carlos’ Switched on Bach, were favorites of mine back then — the intersection of music and technology has always fascinated me). [And thank Google for helping me remember all these names!]
If I ever do get digital copies made, I’d definitely share them (I’ll show you mine if you show me yours 😀 ). I do have a flier from a local company that does transfers of various home media to DVD. I’ve hung on to that thinking that maybe someday I’ll dig that stuff out and see if they can handle it (assuming its in any shape to be handled).
I did find a YouTube of the Hyman piece. I haven’t heard this in at least three decades, and boy does it bring back memories. (Mostly of all the hours in the editing room cutting all those short shots together.)
February 19th, 2015 at 11:12 am
Well, I got halfway through that clip, which was a courageous effort I thought. The drifting oscillators brought back many terrifying memories. [Long story – deeply scarred] ‘Bouncy’ you say? I suppose so, in a kind of ‘Gin and Trampolining’ way.
February 19th, 2015 at 11:27 am
Ha! In my defense, I wrote “bouncy” before I’d actually listened to the tune again. 🙂
February 18th, 2015 at 4:53 pm
haha Poor Stanley! ❤
Diana xo
February 18th, 2015 at 6:25 pm
Heh, yeah! It’s nice being fought over, but…
When I shot it, I added a bit at the end where Stanley is able to crawl out of the elevator unnoticed as the two argue. Of course, what then became of him is anyone’s guess! Maybe that’s where ghosts come from — souls who got away while the debate raged. 🙂
February 18th, 2015 at 8:51 pm
Yeah, you know what? You need the purgatory representative. That’s where I’d want to go. That’s where all the Greeks are…Dante’s version sounds pretty nice.
February 18th, 2015 at 9:58 pm
Wow! Despite the piece’s title, that never occurred to me! Maybe because I wasn’t brought up Catholic, so it was never really a thing. (Ironically, I went to a Catholic university for their film school, and that’s where I learned most of what I know about Catholic life.)
Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle wrote a fantasy SF novel, Inferno, that takes its landscape from Dante’s work by the same name, but I never did get around to reading his Purgatorio (let alone Paradiso).
Truth be told, I’m pretty weak on most of the classics. I still haven’t gotten through Moby Dick. Not enough spaceships and alien planets. 😐
February 18th, 2015 at 10:09 pm
You didn’t miss out on much. The Inferno is where all the cool kids are. 🙂