Dateline: Monday. The little-known eclectic blogger, Wyrd Smythe, had no idea that his blogging provider, a mysterious global enterprise known as “WordPress” (a possible anagram for “Sword Reps”), had granted him extreme power over the weather. At this time, we cannot report whether this was a deliberate seasonal gift, or if the power somehow escaped the control of its owners. Neither can we report on how many this may affect.
What we do know is this: On Monday, when the unsuspecting blogger clicked the “Let It Snow” checkbox on his settings page, sure enough, a gentle snow fall began on his posts. That was the desired and expected effect. What happened next, however, was a surprise.
It also began to snow outside for the first time this season!
The blogger, Smythe, agreed to speak with us for this exclusive report. (We’re quite certain you won’t find this news anywhere else!)
Of course we’ve altered his voice to help disguise his identity. (We didn’t do the pixelation. He actually looks like that.)
“I know there have been some grave concerns about this,” said Smythe. “I don’t know if this is the first time this has happened, but it’s sure new to most folks ’round here. It’s totally understandable they’d wonder what the future holds.”
I asked Smythe if he has definite plans regarding the future, and if he plans to share his new-found power.
“We’ll I’m not sure how I could share it,” he replied. “There’s just that one checkbox, plus I’d have to share my password, and I’m not about to do that!”
This was the scene outside only moments after Smythe clicked the fateful checkbox.
“As for the future,” he continued, “any comic book fan knows that, with great power comes great responsibility. I want to assure everyone that I don’t take moral guidance from comics. I intend to enjoy this to the max! Are you kidding? Don’t you think it’s high time Minnesota had the first August snowstorm in recorded history? Wouldn’t that be fun? Besides, would you rather see your in-laws at the family picnic or stay home because it’s hailing?”
I asked him if mischief was the only plan, if perhaps there wasn’t some good he might do.
“Oh, yes, absolutely!” he said. “I like rain and farmers got drought, so there’s a good combination right there. And, you know, speaking of rain, for years I’ve heard people say that it never rains in Minnesota on the 4th of July. I’ve been here almost 30 years, and I can’t recall a single rainy 4th. So, I figure I’ll bring in a good rainstorm for all those unhappy dry folks! That should bring a lot of smiles!!”
I suggested that he might have misunderstood the point of it not having rained.
Within the hour, it was clear that winter had arrived.
He shook his head, “No, I’m pretty sure that’s right. Why else would they keep mentioning it if they didn’t miss it? You mention the things you miss, not the things you don’t, right?”
I had to allow the truth of that.
Smythe sighed and said slowly, “There is one thing… That checkbox only works until January 4th, so I won’t really be able to help those folks in July. To tell you the truth, I’m not sure it does more than make it snow.”
“So what do you really plan to do?” I asked.
He grinned, “Why I’m going to let it snow, of course! At least until January 4th!”
∇
Logos con carne 
December 4th, 2013 at 1:31 pm
What a delightful and clever post Smitty!
December 4th, 2013 at 1:31 pm
Well, gosh, thank you very much, Lady Di!
December 4th, 2013 at 1:34 pm
My pleasure Sir Smitty!
December 4th, 2013 at 4:35 pm
😀
December 4th, 2013 at 4:11 pm
You are an evil wizard, sir (she mutters after her 3rd time of shoveling the driveway).
December 4th, 2013 at 4:43 pm
Heh! Sorry about that; I had no idea I had such powers. (And it’s still snowing!)
I’ve been thoroughly inside my own bubble for months… how’s things going? Your eyes any better?
December 4th, 2013 at 4:50 pm
I’ve been in my own bubble as well and have infrequently ventured into blog land. My eyes have improved, with erosions occurring every few weeks instead of days.
I’m adjusting to being gainfully unemployed and enjoying this unstructured time a bit before putting my nose to the grindstone.
December 4th, 2013 at 5:08 pm
Weeks is good, I guess. Better anyway. Man, it sucks the things the human body can get up to!!
So “gainfully unemployed” … “retired”? If so, congrats! I exited in July, and what a relief! I know what you mean about the time… kinda the first time since infancy there are so few demands. (More for you with family, of course.)
December 7th, 2013 at 7:57 am
Not retired, just trying to build a new career as a writer – until I’m forced to get a real job again. It is very strange being so unfettered by outside demands. I’m in a wandering stage right now, tying up projects that I’ve put off for years and unraveling a bit.
December 7th, 2013 at 2:07 pm
Well, I hope you’re unwinding more than unraveling, but I take your meaning (unraveling the fabric of work life). In fact, I think I can really relate. I went through the same thing, both the wandering and the wrapping up (still got items on the list for the latter).
It is strange indeed. Monday I was out for some recreational shoveling. (I live in a condo, so eventually my sidewalk and driveway are done for me… Eventually. But I have enough kid in me that I like going out and playing in the snow. Rather than subject the neighbors to the sight of a pudgy, aging man making a snow fort,.. I shovel.) It was warm enough I was just standing there watching it snow, and I kept having this old tug of ‘something to do.’
But then I realized that, no, in fact I could just stand and watch the snow fall for as long as I liked. That realization, that sense of almost unending time, keeps re-occurring. After all, it’s really the first time since infancy we’ve experienced it. (And I was really young then, so I don’t remember it very well and certainly didn’t take advantage of it.)
December 5th, 2014 at 12:25 pm
“(We didn’t do the pixelation. He actually looks like that.)”
Must be hard to clean the mirror…always that damn smudge…right…there…following you like the snow follows the mouse.
December 5th, 2014 at 12:30 pm
[laughs] You know, it’s a weird thing, but my reflection never shows up in mirrors or windows. Whaddaya think that means?
December 5th, 2014 at 12:37 pm
(That joke is funnier if you realize my ex-wife constantly accused me of having vampire blood. It wasn’t the neck-biting so much as that I “love the night!”)
December 5th, 2014 at 12:38 pm
You sure it wasn’t the neck-biting?
December 5th, 2014 at 12:42 pm
Hmm… Well, I always thought it wasn’t. There is something about a graceful neck line I do find quite compelling… and eminently biteable!