I’ll Make Mars Great Again!
In a surprise move today, GOP front-runner The Donald Trump announced his resignation from the presidential race claiming it was all “just a tremendous joke — amazing! I never thought anyone would believe it for a second,… but I pulled it off perfectly, of course.”
Mr. Trump said he would devote his time now to building a Great Wall of Mars, which he said would be “way better than China’s so-called Great Wall; it’ll be tremendous, and it will look amazing!” He claims the Martians will pay for the wall, and that it will make space “great again.”
Two former Republican candidates for the highest office, Marco Rubio and Jeb Bush, told reporters they wished Mr. Trump every success and offered their assistance in hastening his departure for the red planet. Both Floridians said they’d be glad to personally strap him to any of NASA’s larger boosters.
Bernie Sanders receives an endorsement from Finches!
So… The week began with a bomb in Brussels and a baseball game in Cuba. On one side of the Earth, images of terror and oppression; on the other, images of joy and freedom. It forms a literal global Yin-Yang reflecting the best and worst of human goals and actions.
From such high stakes and matters of import, the week quickly descended into the sewer, as the National Embarrassment led the Republican Party to new lows this election cycle.